


If you talk in your sleep, don't mention my name

by saccara



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Carol is a great friend, Daryl Has Issues, First Kiss, First Time, Jealous Daryl, Jealous Rick, Jessie is a divorcee in this story, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Rick, Romance, Slow Build, Will be Explicit in Later Chapters, little bit of Sleepwalking, made some changes, there is no Pete
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-13 06:50:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4512063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saccara/pseuds/saccara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They all slowly start to settle in their respective houses in Alexandria zone, and try to appreciate the feeling of safety that comes with being there.<br/>However the new situation demands a great deal of readiness for change and adjustment from them. They have to restructure their roles within the group, their family, and Alexandria. </p>
<p>With momentarily as much time at hand Daryl is forced to address feelings that he had successfully pushed back into the farthest corner of his mind, which is slowly driving him crazy. And Rick will have to come to terms that there is obviously more to his and Daryl’s friendship than he had anticipated. </p>
<p>Both men will be challenged with a turmoil of intense feelings that they will try to avoid as long as possible, because neither Rick nor Daryl expect their feelings to be returned. </p>
<p>Will they be able to find a way to be together?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>THIS IS ON HIATUS - IT IS NOT ABANDONED.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Settling in

**Author's Note:**

> The usual disclaimers still apply. All characters belong to AMC, I just borrowed them to play with them, promise to give them back. 
> 
> Also, please excuse any mistakes regarding location or specific details.  
> I'll try my best to be as accurate as possible, please tell me if there are any mistakes, because I don't have a Beta. 
> 
> Any kind of comments are welcome :)

Safety and surviving, two words that were worth everything in this world and somehow they had survived and managed to get here more or less intact. They had lost so many but still they were here and it seemed good. Most of them thought so at least, and Rick needed it, well the kids needed it the most, and who was he to not do everything in his power to provide this safety. He should be relieved and he should be able to relax now that he wouldn’t have to constantly worry about them. 

He wasn’t. 

He was restless and extremely on edge, and it seemed as if he was scared. His gut seemed to constantly tremble, he wasn’t hungry, couldn’t sleep and couldn’t sit still, really. It sucked. 

He tried to focus on the problem at hand, which was the crossbow in his hands, that he was repairing, but his mind kept straying and again he was lost in thought. 

Rick told him to relax, to get settled, he had the room right beside from him, on the first floor, in “Rick’s” house, ‘cause he was family, Rick told him. There wasn’t any question about where Daryl would stay it seemed, for Rick, so Daryl didn’t argue. Carol was right he needed to somehow fit in, to make it work, to be part of it all, he had to, for the kids, for Rick, for the group, but it was hard. It just was so hard, he somehow didn’t feel as if he could, he felt as if he had to get away from all of it. From all of them. Most of all from himself it seemed. 

All these last months he was perfectly fine, he had his role, he was their protector, their provider and also advisor, but now, here it was all new, Alexandria would reshuffle the pack and he was simply afraid of what was to come. If he were in the woods he would just keep staying occupied with listening and watching, searching for food or just being busy killing walkers, but here now, his mind was too loud, his thoughts were to intense and his body somehow became visible for him. In the woods it just was his means to an end, and he never really took care of all the needs that it should have had fulfilled but here now, it all screamed at him at once, and didn’t stop. It was nerve-racking. 

He thought of Merle, what his brother would have said to him, being all emotional and “Daryleena” and he just shook his head as if to get all thoughts of Merle out of it. Thoughts of his late brother really weren’t helpful anyway at all in this matter. He never really could talk to Merle anyway, at least not about stuff like that, not that he would have wanted to “talk” about it, but maybe it would have been nice to know, that he could have, if he had wanted to. Anyway, it was over now, and there was no brother left that he could talk to, well, there was the other “brother”, but he couldn’t talk to him either, because on the one hand Rick was not really much of a talker himself, and on the other hand, wasn’t he part of the problem really? 

There, he admitted it, there was a problem, and even if he was not ready yet to really confront it, at the least he gave a name to said problem, and he finally admitted it to himself. His mind screamed at him that it was about time, there was this voice that he kept hearing that said: it won’t go away no matter how hard you try. Well, what a relief that this voice at least didn’t have Merle’s timbre and did not add the smug nickname which he hated so much. 

“Well, you’re still here? Weren’t you supposed to get a shower?” 

Daryl jumped, and almost fell off the rail of the porch he was sitting on. 

“Wha’the fuck?” 

Daryl snarled. Carol raised an eyebrow and came up the porch and over to him, she poked him in the arm and gripped his vest as if to take it off of him.

“Get the fuck off’a me, leave me be!” 

Daryl grumbled, but Carol seemed to ignore his words, she just took the bow, that he still was holding, out of his hands and put it on the floor against the wall, then she pushed him to stand and took off his vest. He was just too tired and too annoyed to keep up the fight, and let her do it. She looked at him, and he just shrugged and scowled and she raised both her eyebrows. 

“Now go, take a shower, I really mean it, I will hose you down if you don’t. It won’t kill you really. I will wash your clothes, just put them on the floor by the bathroom, I will bring you fresh clothes. I mean it Daryl, I won’t take no for an answer!” 

She stood before him, hands on her hips and he just couldn’t stop the smirk. What an amazing change this woman had performed in the last months. He just loved her. 

Carol noticed and smiled at him. There just was this silent understanding between them that needed no words.

“Now go, and I will hug you, when you’re back all clean, and then we’ll talk. I really can’t watch this any longer. I know you’d come around as soon as you’re ready to talk, but maybe I can help, so we’ll see about that, alright?” 

Carol looked at him hopefully and he couldn’t just turn her down, he just nodded barely noticeably without looking at her and went into the house. 

~°~°~

 

It wasn’t that he liked to be dirty all the time, but he just hadn’t been ready yet to simply wash off the events that had happened. It felt as if he then washed off Merle, Hershel, Beth and the others, that they had lost, it was just different to go into a well or a stream in the woods and freshen up, or take a high tech shower that cleansed you of all that you somehow stood for. It felt like letting go, while he was not ready yet, and still, another part of him wanted to feel the water running down his face like millions of tears, and to cry along and let them wash away all the hurt and sorrow that he had swallowed down over the last months. 

Somehow this shower was utterly painful and he slid down the tiles and sat on the shower floor with his head in his hands, crying. It was a cleansing moment, and the longer he felt the water streaming down his body the better it felt. It was just letting them go, allowing himself to finally grieve, his brother and Hershel, the father figure, and sweet Beth and the others that they hadn’t been able to protect. 

After some time he stood up again, and washed, he used the soap that the people of Alexandria provided, and it smelled nice, he also used the shampoo to wash his hair, it smelled faintly like pine, it was alright, he guessed. 

It felt good to be clean of all that again. He felt better. He was not fine yet, but hey, what was “fine” anyway? He always thought it was an outright lie whenever people told them they were fine. 

Daryl stepped out of the shower, he was not sure how long he had been in there, but it felt like forever. He skipped drying off, because he somehow loved the feel of the droplets running down his body, coming all the way down from his unruly long hair, then grabbed one of the towels and wrapped it around his slender hips, he bent down to pick up his soiled clothes to put them on the floor in front of the bathroom, as Carol asked him to. 

When he opened the door to step out of the bathroom, he almost ran into Rick, Judith on his arm and all. Rick seemed to be surprised to see him here, standing there dripping wet and naked except for his towel. Daryl saw Rick’s eyes hurriedly wander up and down his body until he averted his eyes to look at Judith. 

Had his cheeks turned slightly red, Daryl wondered, but immediately pushed away the thought because well, whatever, it didn’t mean anything, now, did it?

“Hey” Rick said, slightly husky. 

Daryl just harrumphed in his typical style and went on doing what he was about to do, however, it seemed somehow weird to just put his dirty clothes down on the floor, while Rick was standing there, so he kept them in his hands, and awkwardly looked at them and the floor, not really knowing what he should do. He hadn’t felt this awkward in a really long time, and Rick did not seem to fare any better. 

“Was just puttin’em here for Carol, wants to wash’m!” he told his clothes. 

Rick cleared his throat still not looking at him.

“Yeah, ya do that, I’ll put Judith to bed for her nap. Coming down, later, wanna talk to ya?” 

Rick turned his head to Daryl probably searching for Daryl’s eyes but when Daryl just kept his on his dirty clothes he turned away and walked over to Judith’s room that was right on the other side of Rick’s own room.

Daryl stood there for about thirty seconds before he could come out of his frozen state and he then let out a breath that he seemed to have been holding, without his knowledge. Again he shook his head, to get rid of thoughts about feelings and images which he was not ready to address, even in his mind. Then his mind cleared up and he straightened his shoulders, and went to his room and shut the door behind himself.

He put on some fresh clothes that Carol seemed to have put on his bed, some dark boxers, olive colored cargo pants and a dark grey button down shirt. His vest was currently a work in progress so this would have to do. He somehow always felt naked without his vest. It was just a part of him. 

While he was getting dressed he mumbled to himself grumpily why all of a sudden everyone was so eager to talk to him, first Carol, now Rick. Well they would have to wait. He was not in the mood to talk. He heard Rick passing by his room and going down the stairs and he felt his gut churning again, and he was reminded of his childhood, when his father bellowed for him to come down because he had something to “say” – well the saying always ended in him being beaten up with a belt, or something similar. 

He didn’t want to compare them to his father, but sitting down to talk just wasn’t something Daryl had positive experiences with. He then and there decided that he would just bolt. Carol and Rick could talk as long and as much as they wanted but they would just have to do without him. He went to the window and climbed out of it, onto the roof and then down the drains and rails and down into the bushes that were beside the house.  
He didn’t know where to go, but anything was better than having to “talk”. 

He knew that he probably overreacted, because Rick surely wouldn’t have wanted to talk about his feelings, or his state of mind, he probably just had some business about the Alexandria community but Carol wanted to talk and he dreaded that, he was not ready, and she was damn good in getting him into a state where he would just surrender, he had a soft spot for her, she was kind of his soulmate, someone who understood him utterly and completely, and he was afraid that she would notice things, that he was not ready to see or talk about. She probably knew too much already. So the only way was to avoid both of them. 

At least for now. 

He looked around to see if there was someone there, but it was quiet, he felt strange, his crossbow was inside, so was his knife and vest, everything that made him Daryl, the hunter, the archer. He felt naked and absolutely lost. However, it was no option to go back inside, not in this moment, he was just too confused, he needed some time, he needed space, he felt himself getting agitated again, and also felt a fury bubble inside of him, a self-hatred, that was always just below the surface, always ready to come up. 

He needed the air, and he reminded himself that it was safe to just walk around here within these walls. He still didn’t believe it.

He walked alongside the wall that provided the safety, or at least the feeling of safety until he passed three or four houses, when someone called on him.

“Daryl, hey? How are you doing?” 

Eric was sitting on a small terrace outside of his and Aaron’s house, and he smiled crazily, Daryl found, and waved for him to come over. Daryl looked over back to Rick’s house and pondered. Well it was the lesser of the two evils, therefore he went to Eric. 

“Hey, s’up?” he slurred. 

~°~°~

 

“Have you seen Daryl?” Carol asked.

“Yeah, he was just in the shower, I asked him to come down, ‘cause I wanted to talk to him, and it’s great that ya all here so we can talk quietly about this whole situation.” 

Carol frowned and was quiet for some seconds, then she said. 

“Does he seem alright to you? I actually wanted to talk to him as well, and asked him about it earlier, but he didn’t tell.” 

Rick also frowned and seemed to think about what she said. “What’ya mean?”

She shook her head. Men, she thought to herself. “I don’t know, he’s just very quiet and keeps to himself, I don’t know if he wants to be here.” 

“Nah, that’s Daryl for ya, he’s always been that way. Takes time, s’nothing to worry.” Rick sat down on the couch and leaned back. 

Carol also sat down, still with a frown on her face. She knew that Rick knew that Daryl had changed a lot over the last months and that the Daryl that they witnessed the last days was not at all the “usual” Daryl they had witnessed over the last months. She looked worried. They sat like this, all calm and quietly talking about Judith and Carl, when about ten minutes later, Rick looked at his watch and shook his head.

“Must’ave fallen asleep, I’ll go look for him.”

Not a minute later, she heard him open doors and shut doors, quietly to not disturb his sleeping baby, and she heard agitated murmuring, then he came running back down the stairs with a panicked look on his face. 

“He’s gone! Carol, he’s gone!” 

~°~°~

TBC 

I really hope you will like this, I will try and update every few days or so. Give or take.  
I have the whole story in my mind but you know how it is sometimes the characters just develop a life of their own.  
Enjoy :)


	2. Eyes front

Rick’s heart was beating in his chest and he felt panic rise inside of himself, he ran down the stairs, Carol was already standing there at the bottom waiting for him. 

“He’s gone! Carol, he’s gone!” 

She looked at him, tried to calm herself, and tried to stay rational. Daryl wouldn’t be just gone, where would he go, she turned around and went to look out to the porch, the bow was still leaning against the wall where she had put it when she took it from Daryl. She sighed. It was just obvious, Daryl didn’t want to talk, or didn’t want to spend time with them, or just needed some alone time. If they were still in the woods, he would have just gone hunting, or whatever, but here in this confined space, where would he actually go, she knew he didn’t have his bow, she didn’t know about the knife, that was probably up in the room, she couldn’t remember if he had it on him earlier. She just hoped that he was still inside of Alexandria, and not went outside, but he’d never do that without his bow, she was sure. That would be just dumb and Daryl was anything but dumb. 

While Carol was contemplating Daryl’s actions Rick was already out, he ran outside of the house and was turning in every direction looking for Daryl, his eyes were wide and full of worry. Carol followed Rick out of the house and then followed his gaze which was stuck at the gate. Everything seemed fine there, one of the women of the community was sitting there, relaxed. Rick hurriedly went to the gate, Carol close behind him, and he asked if she had let Daryl out. She said no, and Rick visibly relaxed, then she asked if something was wrong, but Rick assured her that everything was just fine and they rushed back to the house. 

When they were standing just outside of Rick’s house again Rick seemed to muster all of his strength to calm down. He tried not to lose it again like he had when he thought that Carl and Judith were gone and he found them, with Jessie’s help, back at the house of that nice old couple. Daryl was fine, he told himself, over and over again. He sighed and let out a trembling breath.

“Carol could you please check on Judith, and maybe check the house again, I will go search for Daryl, could you do that, please?” he was almost begging her.

Carol put a hand on his arm and assured him that Daryl surely was fine, and that he probably was simply getting some fresh air or something. She was babbling because she didn’t know what to tell Rick. She went inside to do what Rick asked her. She hoped he’d find him soon. 

~°~°~

With clenched fists Rick went on and passed the first house after the one he was staying in, and he tried to evaluate what had brought Daryl to just leave without telling them. Maybe Carol was right and Daryl wasn’t just fine. He sighed again. This whole situation and everything that came with it happened real fast and he was still trying to put his mind around all of it. Perhaps Daryl was just doing the exact same, and needed space. And of course that was fine by him, but he needed to make sure he was alright, needed to see him, and needed to ask him. He realized, and not the first time, that Daryl was a pillar of strength for him, and without this pillar he would just crumble to pieces. He needed to make sure that Daryl was there, well no that was not quite right, he needed to make sure that Daryl was there for him specifically, needed him there in his sight, nodding at him, or just being there for him. He really had to calm down, to understand that his family, and that included Daryl, was safe here, he had to relax, but somehow that was really a lot harder than he’d thought. 

Rick contemplated just going from door to door and asking around if anybody had seen Daryl, but he didn’t want to stir up such a commotion and Daryl would hate that if he had merely needed a quiet moment. 

So he considered what Daryl would need to do, or where he would go, but he came to no real solution, because the only thing he knew Daryl usually doing was going into the woods to hunt, or simply being alone, therefore he decided to do what he himself would do in such a case, and that was walking alongside the wall. 

Rick turned left and went in between the two houses to go to the wall, and then turned right and just started to walk under the heavy beams that supported and held the wall, when he saw three men standing together a few hundred yards away on the terrace of one of the houses. Could it be that one of them was Daryl, standing with his back to him? His heart skipped a beat. The man certainly looked like him, but Rick wasn’t sure because he was just not close enough, and he probably, in his mind, always expected to see the bow on his back. In his mind Daryl and the bow were always linked and inseparable. 

The closer he came the faster his heart was beating, his hands were sweating and his gut felt kind of weird and Rick in his mind reshelved these bodily reactions under: was so very worried that he was gone, and now am relieved to see he is alright. 

When he was just a few feet away Aaron saw him and waved and smiled. Eric and Daryl both turned and Eric also smiled at him and said hello. Daryl’s facial expression could be labeled under derisive scowl, so he was clearly very happy to see him. He grumbled something that could resemble a hello, but Rick couldn’t be sure. 

He swallowed down the first words that popped into his mind, which were something like, ‘where the hell have you been’ and also breathed deeply to get his body back under control. Now that he knew that Daryl was in fact “fine” he really wanted to know what was going on with his friend. 

“Guys!” he smiled kind of halfheartedly to Aaron and Eric, then turned his head to look at Daryl. “Daryl!” he nodded his way. Daryl did only for a split second meet his eyes and then averted his eyes and seemed very interested in one of the bushes around the terrace of the house. 

Rick ignored him looked back to Aaron and Eric and said. “Could I borrow Daryl for a moment, have ta talk ta him.” Aaron and Eric nodded enthusiastically, they were just talking, they said. 

If Rick didn’t know better Daryl seemed to contemplate the best and fastest way to hide inside of these bushes or to become invisible, well something like that. Rick decided that Carol must be right, what had Daryl this – well he wouldn’t want to use the word, but yes – scared that he really didn’t want to talk to him. Or spend time with him, or whatever. He also then and there decided that he needed to find out. Just when he was about to say something to him Aaron addressed Daryl. 

“Daryl, please think about what we discussed, you can come over anytime, you’re always welcome. And, well the bike is yours whenever you’re ready. It probably needs some work, but anyway. I will talk to Deanna and will let you know.”

Aaron said and held out his hand to Daryl. 

“Thanks man, I will!” Daryl slurred with a tiny but crooked smile and he took Aaron’s hand and shook it. Then he let go and made kind of a hand gesture that seemed to say good bye. 

He then turned and started walking back to the house. 

Rick didn’t know what it was but right in this moment he wanted to slap Aaron’s smile right out of his face. He was surprised about himself and shook his head, wondering what brought up this clearly very irrational emotion. It stung, right inside his gut, and his belly felt as if it was hard as a stone. He decided that he didn’t like Aaron. Why Daryl was talking to and even smiling at this guy and still seemed to wanting to bolt if Rick only wanted to talk to him for a second? This was not right. He didn’t like it one bit. 

Rick said his good byes to the two men and followed Daryl. He hurried after him until he was walking beside him. Daryl had his hands in his pants and looked at the ground stoically. He walked really fast and Rick grabbed his arm to slow him down, until he stopped. They were standing right beside the wall, and Rick looked around to see if they were alone. He looked over to Aaron’s house, but the two men seemed to have gone inside. There was no one around. 

Daryl shook his arm as if to get rid of Rick’s hand that was still holding on to him. He still did not look at him. What the heck was going on? He let him go because clearly Daryl was uncomfortable with Rick touching him. 

Breathing in deeply and again trying to calm himself he tipped his head a little to the side and leaned in to search for Daryl’s eyes. 

“Daryl … I … look man, I don’t know …. Um … I mean, Carol … no, well, this is all new ta me too. Ya know, it’ll get better. We’re good here, I think .. what do ya think? Daryl …?” 

Daryl was still not looking at him, but then went quiet and still, and not fidgeting any longer. He then said.

“Y’all need this, l’il asskicker and that kid o’yours. It’s fine man… I… it’s fine.” 

Daryl finally raised his head and looked into Rick’s eyes. Somehow the temperature seemed to rise with those eyes. There was so much depth in them. How had he never not seen this? They were such a deep blue. It was like drowning. Rick had to look away, he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. He was confused. 

Daryl went on. “Whadd’ya want’a talk about?” 

Rick cleared his throat. He looked around again to see if they were still alone. He was kind of paranoid, it probably came with the job description of being the leader and with what they had experienced these last months. He looked back into Daryl’s eyes and saw understanding there, and something else that he couldn’t translate. 

“I wanted ta talk ta ya about this situation here, and how ya all felt about it. I’m not sure about going without my gun or my knife all the time. I wanted ta know how ya all felt about that. Ya usually carry ya bow, and when I couldn’t find ya I was real’ worried. So was Carol, and she said that she believed that ya weren’t alright! So I had ta make sure. So are ya?”

Daryl seemed to try and partly ignore the question. “Don’like it either, but it’s their call, ain’t it?”

Rick sighed. He wouldn’t push him. If he didn’t want to talk, then so be it. He would come around. 

So he just nodded, and started walking back to the house. He more and more understood what Lori meant when it drove her up the walls whenever she wanted to talk to him, and he just wouldn’t offer anything. It was unnerving, it was maddeningly so. 

Daryl seemed relieved, he only nodded back and they went back to the house without saying another word. 

The closer they came, the more agitated Daryl seemed to become, and he would start to fidget again. They went up the stairs and Daryl opened the door to go inside.  
Rick stopped for a second to wait outside, to think for a moment, before going in. He thought of this whole situation again and he could not imagine what the problem was, only that maybe the problem had to do with Carol. He knew they were close, and perhaps Daryl just didn’t want to talk to her. Then it suddenly felt as if all blood went out of his body and he felt real cold inside in spite of the warmth outside. What if the two of them finally would take their close relationship to the next level? What if this was all about Carol and Daryl being together, and he simply was too stupid to realize this earlier. It must be Carol, because of how Daryl acted now that they were back at the house. Perhaps Carol wanted to talk to him about moving together with him into the other house? Or perhaps even …. Rick felt another wave of panicky feelings bubble up inside of him, and he tightly gripped the frame of the door to his house, he knuckles were almost white. He breathed deeply again and closed his eyes. He had to get a grip, he told himself. Even if they talked about taking things further, who was he to stand in their way, but he just couldn’t help himself, he loathed the thought, he loathed the whole concept. He realized he most of all hated changes, and what it meant when things changed. It was scary and it was exhausting. Whenever Lori told him, they had to change something in their relationship, he had hated it, even if he had known that she was right. He had hated it.  
He took another deep breath and tried to let go of all the achy feelings that were causing a turmoil inside of him. He needed to go in there and talk to them about Alexandria. What they did with their relationship was their business, and had nothing to do with him. He tried to tell himself that if he kept on repeating this to himself that he would be able to believe it finally. 

So Rick went inside and closed the door to the house behind himself.

Daryl was leaning against one of the window sills, his arms crossed over his chest, he was looking at Carol. Carol was smiling at him. They were talking in low voices. Again Rick felt a feeling inside of him coming to the surface, and he couldn’t explain it, it just felt weird in his chest and gut, and again his belly felt as if there was a stone lying inside. He pushed it aside.

“Judith alright?” He addressed Carol. She nodded and smiled. With Carl still at Jessie’s place and Daryl here in the room he had nothing else to worry about. 

“Now I wanted ya all here ta talk about our protection and … “ 

Before he could go on, Carol raised a hand and put her index finger over her lips, to signal them to be quiet. She then picked up a pen that was there on the coffee table and wrote something on the pad that was lying beside it. She picked it up and held it up to show it to both of them. It said.

LETS TALK OUTSIDE. 

~°~°~  
TBC


	3. Confrontation ... of sorts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thanks a lot for reading and liking and commenting, I am so happy about that. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think :))

So they did just that, they met in the woods, to talk about the situation, about Alexandria and about staying vigilant. The three of them all had their own opinion about the community and the opportunities and possibilities, or lack thereof, for a better future, but they were more or less on the same page about the precautions they still should take regarding possible threats. The community people were just not prepared, they were like children Carol said, and children were naïve and gullible. They had no idea how it was out there and that could very possibly be their death. Rick, Daryl and Carol were in total agreement about staying watchful and alert. 

They agreed that they would do these meetings whenever something happened that they needed to discuss or just to get up to speed about the goings-on in the community. 

…

They went back from their last meeting out in the woods and walked in silence, Carol was walking in front of Rick and Daryl, they were all kind of lost in their own thoughts. 

Rick raised his right hand and tapped his index and middle finger lightly against Daryl’s bare left arm. Daryl jumped at the touch. It wasn’t the touch in itself that had made him jump but the almost electric jolt that went through his body. 

Rick frowned and kind of looked hurt at Daryl’s reaction. His face closed down and Daryl regretted his body’s reaction even if he hadn’t done it consciously. He just wasn’t used to being touched, still. Rick touched him very rarely, even though he was a tactile person, at least with his family members and extended family members, but he knew that Rick knew about his aversion to being touched just like that without a reason or at least an indication, and Rick almost always waited for Daryl to do the touching. They had a kind of unspoken agreement about this, and they were fine with it. They had been at least all these years. However now everything was different, for him anyway, because Alexandria was a new start, a chance for a life with a kind of normalcy that they all were craving for, and he had time to think about and analyze things like that. Feelings, desires, wishes … even dreams. All such things that he had put behind, or just had never let himself be thinking about. Yes, everything was different and not, Rick was still his friend, his family, and he didn’t want to hurt him, not now that they had this friendship that meant everything to him, and just because his body started to betray him, no. He had to put a stop to this. He had to put it away for the sake of this friendship. And even if there were moments, that he didn’t even dare to really think about, moments between them when the air crackled with energy and both their eyes were locked in an intense stare. These moments when decisions were made and when they needed the other’s support, and they both felt connected and in tune. These moments were profoundly intense and Daryl just knew that Rick also felt that. Still, for the sake of their new life here, their friendship and borrowed peace, he would store it away, in the most distant corner of his mind. 

Daryl kind of shook himself out of his reverie and addressed Rick, who seemed to have abandoned the attempt to talk to him. This somehow irritated the hell out of Daryl and his mood sank below grumpy.

 

“What is it?” Daryl slurred. 

 

Rick turned his face to Daryl, for a second there was surprise written on it, but vanished again as fast as it had turned up. Rick slowed down a bit and Daryl automatically adapted his pace to Rick’s, who then raised his hand as if to touch him again, but then decided against it and let if fall down again. 

 

“Can we talk?!” Rick looked at him directly now and asked. His eyes went to Carol for a second as if he was saying, without her – alone, and then went back to Daryl’s.  
Daryl stopped short and sighed. He knew that he couldn’t avoid this forever, whatever it was Rick wanted to talk about, it was important to him, so he would oblige. He yanked his head in Carol’s direction and raised his left eyebrow, knowing that Rick would knew what he wanted to tell him.

 

“Carol?” Rick said a little louder, so that she could hear him, since she had gotten further away from them. She turned around and raised both eyebrows questioningly, but unsurprised, as if she was aware that they wanted to be alone. She probably was. Nothing really went unnoticed where Carol was concerned. Most of all if Daryl was involved. 

 

“Have ta talk ta Daryl for a second. You be fine?” he asked her.

 

“Sure thing, you take your time. I’ll be fine, I’m a big girl.” She gave them both a typical Carol smile and went along, back to Alexandria. He didn’t worry about her, at least not anymore, she really could take care of herself. 

 

Rick looked around, his hands on his hips, and he kind of looked nervous, or at least out of his comfort zone. Daryl was wondering what was on his mind. He walked over to a big log that was lying there, he took off his bow put it on the ground and leaned it against the log. He sat down motioning to Rick who had followed him with his eyes to do the same. Rick hesitated for some seconds and then let out a deep breath and let his hands fall to his sides. He walked over to Daryl and sat beside him, not too close, but also not far, there was maybe a foot between them. 

Rick leaned his elbows on his knees and looked at his hands, he still seemed uncomfortable and this was perhaps one of the few times that the silence was really awkward between them. Daryl was getting anxious and antsy. He started to fidget and just when he was about to stand up again to get his pent up energy out of his body Rick started to talk. To his hands. Because he was not looking at Daryl, which was actually fine, because Daryl really dreaded what Rick had to say, judging by the way he was behaving. 

 

“Look, Daryl. I know that this is probably not your thing. Alexandria I mean. Carol mentioned to me that … she said that ya’ll not real’ happy ta be here. And hey. I feel the same in terms of safety and security and that these people here have been just fucking ridiculously lucky, and now that we’re here even more so, but … I really am … I’m … I, shit, I’m worried that you might want ta leave. And I go crazy with the thought. So..” Rick paused and went quiet again.

 

This must have been the longest “speech” he had ever directed at Daryl. And Daryl really at first did not know what he was supposed to say. He was actually surprised as hell, he had not anticipated this topic of conversation. He had to think about this for a second. And he knew his friend would give him all the time he needed. This was their way of talking or not talking, thinking and then saying what they had to say. They gave each other time and space. That actually was their secret to a friendship between two very different men, two men that wouldn’t have become such friends in the “old” world. Were he a believer of fate, then he’d say that they still would have met and become friends, but he wasn’t. Therefore, back to the topic at hand. Rick expected his answer and he expected the truth. And Daryl was always honest because what was the point to lying. It wouldn’t help anybody.

 

“Nah, ‘m not leaving. Thought about it a great many times, but nah.” Daryl paused, before he added. “Wasn’t sure about staying here, us all, but the kid likes it, and the baby..” he trailed off. “It’s not my thing, ‘s right, but I know you need this.” Daryl silently choked after the last sentence. He wondered if that had been too much, they normally didn’t talk about needs. He just hoped Rick wouldn’t take it the wrong way, and think that Daryl believed him weak or whatever. 

Rick was silent, he seemed to contemplate Daryl’s words. He still seemed fascinated with his hands and fingers. He rubbed a spot of dirt from his left index finger with a vengeance. When Daryl after some minutes thought that Rick wouldn’t probably reply at all Rick cleared his throat. 

He turned to Daryl to look him in the eyes. It was one of those moments. Rick looked deeply into his eyes. The blue of his irises shone and Daryl had to swallow in spite of himself. It was as if they were linked by an invisible ribbon that began in Rick’s eyes and ended in Daryl’s. He felt hot, and his throat felt too tight. His body started to tingle. He felt antsy again, but now for a very different reason. 

Rick swallowed again. He seemed to try to say something but it seemed to be stuck in his throat. He closed his eyes for a second to then open them up again and still look into Daryl’s eyes, who was not able to look away even for a millisecond. 

 

“I .. ya’right. I need this for the kids, but I need ya, here, with me. I don’t know if I could do this without ya. You’re family, Daryl, so please, if ya don’t .. if ya need something or. Just please talk to me, a’right?” Rick said the last bit with a pleading in his eyes and then turned his head forward to look at his hands again. He sighed deeply, and raised his right hand, he rubbed the skin over his eyebrows with both thumb and index finger as if to stroke away a pending headache. 

 

Daryl still looked at Rick, he was paralyzed again, he shook inwardly, what was happening to him, this was kind of unnerving. Some seconds later he was able to gather his wits together again, and he turned away. Then he stood up and clenched his fists. He stood but didn’t move away and beside him, Rick still sat there looking down.

 

“Look Rick, ya family too. I’ll be here. ‘m not planning on leaving. Not sure if I won’t go crazy here, but I’ll figure it out.” Silently he added. “Need ya too.” He wasn’t sure if Rick had heard him, but he thought so, because he could see out of the corner of his right eye that Rick had raised his head and turned to Daryl, before he turned it back to the front again. 

 

Daryl breathed in deeply and tried to relax again. He looked around and realized that for the first time in he couldn’t even recall when he hadn’t been aware of his surroundings, and he actually always was, even in his sleep he was more aware and vigil than he had been in the last minutes. He also realized that he had even forgotten to pick up his bow. It was still leaning against the log. He scoffed. Unbelievable he thought. Daryl really wasn’t sure how he felt about all that. He was bemused and irritated with himself. 

At least there was no walker in sight, and everything seemed safe and sound. He still shook his head in disbelief again.

He sat down again on the log, grabbed his bow to kind of ground himself and then resumed the same pose as Rick. 

Both men then sat there on the log, their elbows leaning on their respective knees and both lost in thought. They had found their comfortable silence again, even if both of them sensed that something was off and somehow different between them. 

Daryl knew but wouldn’t allow himself to even start to analyze and Rick was confused and filed it away under ‘awkward but necessary conversations’, those that Lori often expected to have with him. He sighed again when he realized that he obviously hadn’t gotten any better at this. Such conversations with Lori always ended in a disaster, at least with Daryl they had found an understanding afterwards.

That he was comparing this to conversations with his late wife didn’t seem strange to him at all at that time. Perhaps if it had come to mind that with Shane he never had had these troubles, then perhaps he would have noticed that this definitely was something he should dissect, but it didn’t come to mind and therefore he didn’t analyze at the time. 

After some minutes they both stood up in unison, just by sensing that now was the time to go back, so that the others wouldn’t start to worry about them.  
They walked back in comfortable silence and aware of their surroundings again. When they were only a few yards away from the gate Rick stopped Daryl again and repositioned himself so that he stood right before him. They looked at each other again, and again the connection started to come to life, crackling with energy. 

 

“I’m glad we did this, Daryl!” he then slowly raised his left hand to show Daryl what he was doing so that the other man could stop it whenever he was uncomfortable, but Daryl now was prepared and he let himself be touched. Ricks hand landed more or less awkwardly on his right shoulder, and squeezed tightly. It was warm and lingered and then Rick gave Daryl one of those smiles that lit up his whole face and made his blue eyes appear even brighter, and Daryl couldn’t but return it with a smirk of his own. 

Ricks hand lingered and the smile stayed on his face, while time passed and neither man seemed to notice. They would probably still be standing there if not for the voice coming from the gate. 

They both turned their heads to see Michonne standing there at the open gate. She seemed fine and not distressed in any way, but she waved for them to come over. Rick turned to go and let his hand fall away from Daryl. 

Daryl’s shoulder was tingling where Rick’s hand had been just a few seconds ago. It felt cold and somehow empty, but Daryl discarded the thought and nodded to Rick who had motioned him to follow him to Michonne. 

Rick went ahead but seemed to be still in thought and shortly before they reached Michonne turned his head back to Daryl who was walking right beside him, and he looked at him in a way, that Daryl couldn’t read. It was a strange look, a searching look, one that Daryl hadn’t seen on his face before, at least not directed at himself. Again he discarded all thoughts regarding Rick and their talk and anyway regarding the time he had just spent with Rick. He concentrated on Michonne. 

When they were at the gate they were admitted inside and the Alexandrian closed the door behind them. Michonne signaled them to follow her out of earshot. When they stood by the small pond in the middle of the greens she said to them.

 

“Guys we have a problem.” 

 

°~°~°

TBC


	4. Self-reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is chapter four to this story.   
> I decided to make Jessie a divorcee. Therefore there’s no Pete in this story. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'd love to hear what you think! Thanks for your interest and for reading. :)

Rick frowned and looked at Michonne, he tilted his head, he was in typical Rick-the-leader-mode, Daryl found, and he felt that he liked that facet in Rick. He wasn’t always on the complete same page as Rick, but most of the times Rick’s decisions were fine with him. Rick was a good leader. 

Daryl then caught himself again being deep in thought and not concentrating on the matter at hand, this really started to become a habit, he had to stop it, again he was irritated with himself. He forced himself to listen.

“So he followed her outside, and he climbed over the wall?” Rick said this with his grave voice. He sounded deadly and Daryl could feel this dark energy coming from him. Daryl could feel the fury mixed with worry about the imminent danger. Daryl hadn’t heard what Michonne had told Rick, he had been otherwise occupied, but he could imagine who she was talking about. There were only a handful of people that inspired such intense reactions in Rick. 

“Where is he now? Wanna talk ta him? Is the girl with him? Who is she?” Rick added. Michonne motioned for them to follow her, and they did. Daryl decided not to ask Rick about details, he really wouldn’t want to add even more fuel to Rick’s wrath. He would find out soon enough. 

They went to the blonde woman’s house, Jessie, there was a group of people there, Carol, Maggie and Glenn, Jessie and her family and some other Alexandria folks. Carl and a girl sat in the middle of it all on a sofa. He looked angry, his cheeks were rosy, he was obviously furious, so like his dad. 

Daryl decided to stay a little outside of it all, he had no desire to be in the middle of this. Michonne and Rick went inside. Michonne stood beside Carol. Rick kind of parted the group, they all moved aside to let him through and he stopped short in front of the table that was the last barrier between himself and his son and the girl.   
Rick let his head hung and put his hands on his hips, as if he tried to calm down before he confronted his son. Carl didn’t give him time enough to do the confrontation. 

“Dad, I just went to see if she needed any help, I had my knife with me. We were perfectly safe” he looked at the girl who nodded kind of bored. 

Rick raised his head to look at his son to take in what he had just told him. He looked from Carl to the girl. 

“What is your name?” he asked her. Carl didn’t let her speak as well. “That’s Enid. She knows how it is out there, dad. We were fine, really.” Carl kind of pleaded with his eyes. He knew how to play his father. 

Rick let his head hang again and nodded slowly, and sighed. 

He looked around the room, then again to the girl. 

“You do that often?” he asked her directly. She nodded with a slight pout on her lips. Rick scoffed and smirked unbelievingly.   
He again looked around and addressed the room. “Was anyone aware of this?” 

Most of the Alexandrians averted their eyes kind of awkwardly, but none of them actually said yes and Rick’s people all shook their heads. 

“This cannot go on, out there it is dangerous” he pointed in the direction of the wall behind the house, his eyes wide and sincere, “and even if you two know how to defend yourselves, this is much too dangerous.” He paused. “This will stop! I will make sure of it.” He said.

The girl defiantly crossed her arms over her chest. She didn’t seem too happy about what Rick said. A little rebel, Daryl smirked in spite of himself.   
Daryl looked around in the room and it had happened again, Rick’s magic, they had succumbed to his energy and power, even those who didn’t want to. The blonde, Jessie, looked at Rick with big adoring eyes. Daryl scowled. 

Just then Deanna arrived with her husband, the nodded to Daryl in passing and went inside. They were briefed about what had happened. Deanna was appalled and also worried and Rick tried to reason with her. They talked about the need for more guards and about the fact that, if someone was able to climb over the wall to the outside, that, of course, it would be the same the other way round. 

Daryl wondered how they had managed to survive this long. These people really lived in a fantasy world, they thought that walkers were the worst of their problems, but instead it was people, living, breathing and thinking people, that knew how to climb a wall. 

An hour later, it was already getting dark outside, they all decided to postpone their talks to the next day. They had to make plans and the discussions were really heated because Rick wanted the highest security possible and Deanna still didn’t really see the threat. These people had to learn and experience it first hand before they would see. 

Deanna and her husband and the rest of the Alexandrians left Jessie’s house. Glenn and Maggie said their goodbyes. Carol had left already a while ago to go look after Judith again. In the end it was only Rick that was standing there in Jessie’s living room. He was talking to Jessie. Her sons were standing together in front of the house with Carl and Enid, who then also left, to wherever she was staying. Daryl didn’t really care. That girl was trouble. He felt it in his guts, most of all because Carl was interested in her. 

Daryl decided to leave as well, when he heard Rick’s low voice, it was that husky timbre that made Daryl feel like home. It was familiar. He turned and looked over to them again, and saw that Rick had a big smile on his face that lit up his features. Jessie smiled as well. She flirted with him, Daryl realized with outrage. 

And while he felt a strange kind of pressure in his belly and chest he dared not to analyze it on a deeper level, and why for heaven’s sake was he outraged at all, Rick deserved some happiness. And this Jessie seemed nice enough. So without further ado he turned and left. He really, definitely had to get a grip. He decided to go hunting as soon as possible, he needed some fresh air and some space and most of all some time away from Rick. 

 

“Daryl wait!” Carl called after him. Daryl stopped and waited for Carl to catch up with him. 

When he reached him they walked together to Rick’s house. 

Carl at first was silent, but Daryl knew that he wanted to say something, so he waited for Carl to get it out. 

“Daryl, can you talk to him, to make him understand that we need to be out there, we need this to stay sharp and alert.” 

Daryl chewed his lower lip for a few seconds unconsciously.

“Ya think he will listen to me, kid? He worries about ya, and he’s right, ya know! It’s fuckin’ stupid to climb that wall and go outside alone. I know what ya mean but ya need ta listen to your father.” 

“Please just talk to him, and ask him to give us a chance, Enid is really tough, he needs to trust me, he listens to you, please can you talk to him.” 

Daryl was somewhat surprised that Carl thought he would have such influence on his father. He was also kind of pleased inside, it made him feel proud that Carl came to him to talk to him about this and put this much trust in him. It felt good. 

“A’right kid, I will talk ta him, but no promises.” Daryl said.

Then they reached the house and went inside. 

Carol was standing there swaying softly and feeding Judith. She raised her eyebrows, but Daryl just shook his head and motioned her ‘later’. He would tell her later what she had missed out on regarding the discussions they had in Jessie’s house. 

Carl just grabbed some fruit from the kitchen and went upstairs and shut his door. 

Daryl put down his bow, and leaned it against the nearest wall, he rolled his shoulders and only then noticed that his whole body felt tense and stressed. He walked over to the couch and sat down. He leaned his head back against the backrest and sighed. He felt tired. This whole day, actually the last days had been tiresome, and not physically like they had been all these last years but emotionally, because of these thoughts and feelings that had invited themselves like uninvited guests. 

He must have dosed off because he woke when Carol sat down beside him on the couch. 

“So what’s happened after I was gone?” she asked. 

Daryl stretched and yawned. “Nothin’ much, they pretty much came to no result, they’ll talk more t’morrow.” 

“So where’s Rick?” Carol asked. 

“Was talking to that blonde when I left.” He said. Carol looked at him directly and tilted her head, she raised both eyebrows. 

“You mean Jessie, she seems nice, doesn’t she? They’d be the perfect match, she is divorced and also has two sons. I like her. Don’t you think they’d make a great couple?” Carol asked innocently. 

Daryl knew she was baiting him, and he really was in no mood to indulge her. 

“Ya, whatever.” He paused. “M going ta bed, tired.” He said, and was about to stand up when Carol put a hand on his arm. She slid a bit closer to him. Her hand felt strange on his arm, not unwelcome but strange, not at all like the times when Rick touched him. And again his thoughts went back to Rick. He shook himself to let go of it. 

“Hey, don’t be mad. I wanted to ask you anyway. Can I do something to make you feel more at home here? You seem so lost here, and I know you don’t wanna talk about it, don’t wanna hear it, and that’s just fine but I want you to know that I’m here for you, whenever you need me.” Then she put her head on his shoulder. He let her, and he put his left hand on her head, stroked her soft hair. He closed his eyes again. They stayed like this. 

“Oh hey Rick, you’re back.” Carol said. Daryl opened his eyes when his hand fell from Carol’s head, when she sat upright again beside him. He must have fallen asleep again because he hadn’t heard Rick come in. 

Rick’s look on his face was strange. It was as if he was angry and embarrassed and sad all in one, Daryl couldn’t read it exactly.

Carol stood up and went over to Rick, she kissed his cheek lightly and said goodnight. They agreed to talk the next day. Rick asked about Carl and then about Judith and Carol said that Carl was in his room and the baby was fed and already asleep in bed, so he could check on her later. Then she came over to Daryl and kissed his cheek as well. She went upstairs. 

The house was almost completely dark now except for the small lamp in the hall. 

Rick sighed and came over to the couch and sat down beside Daryl, right in the same spot that Carol had occupied a few minutes ago. 

He leaned back against the headrest and closed his eyes just like Daryl had done. Daryl sat there and stared at his friend who was bathed in the warm light of that single lamp. He took in his slender frame, the stubble that had begun to form a beard again, the strong, masculine, but delicate fingers. He wondered what he had talked about with Jessie, and if those fingers had touched her. Again Daryl was startled by his own thoughts. He shook his head again. 

“Carl wants me to talk ta ya.” Daryl said.

Rick didn’t open his eyes. “Oh ya? Th’s fine but not tonight, I heard enough. Really, these people…” he trailed off and sighed again. 

Daryl tried to relax and just enjoy this quiet moment with his friend. From time to time they were gifted these moments of peace and quiet. However, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t relax, his body started to tense up again, and his fingers felt itchy. At first he didn’t understand but then it became clear, he longed to touch, he longed to touch Rick. To touch these hands, to stroke over the stubble to feel if it felt as prickly-soft as he imagined, or to run his own fingers through the wavy locks of dark hair. It was official, he was going crazy. This was his best friend. This was Rick, their leader. He’d never in his life had such longings for a person or to touch another person. It just never really happened. There was fumbling or a quick fuck with a chick that Merle had brought home, and only whenever he couldn’t come up with an excuse without making Merle even more suspicious, that something was not right with his baby brother. But never ever had he felt anything like this. Why now, and why him, Daryl wondered desperately. 

Rick stirred, and opened his eyes. He turned to Daryl and found him staring. Rick’s eyes were asking ‘What’ but Daryl only shook his head. He sighed and stood up.  
“Going to bed. Ya should too, ya tired.” Daryl said.

Rick nodded and stood up as well. He went over to the lamp in the hall and switched it off. For a second they had to adjust their eyes. It was strange how fast they had gotten used to having light again. 

Daryl picked up his bow and went ahead and upstairs. 

They said goodnight quietly to not disturb the others. Daryl went to the bathroom first because Rick had to check on his kids anyway. It was fine with him. Rick quietly knocked on Carl’s door, but there wasn’t a sound, so he opened the door slowly, just to make sure that he was alright, it was dark inside, but he could make out his sleeping son’s frame, so he closed it again. Then he went to Judith’s room, his baby girl was sleeping soundly. He made sure that she was warm and comfortable, and he left the room. He kept the door open, so that he’d hear whenever she needed him. 

Daryl just left the bathroom when Rick came out of Judith’s room. Again they nodded their goodnight in passing, and Daryl went to his room, went inside and closed the door behind him. 

Rick freshened up and switched off all the lights, then went to his room and also kept his door open just a tad, so that he would be able to hear whenever there was something wrong with the kids. 

He took off his clothes and put on a clean white t-shirt and pajama pants. 

He lay down and sighed, he was really tired. It was not easy for him to be reasonable with these people. And with this thought he fell asleep. 

°~°~°

Rick woke up in the middle of the night when he heard noises, it sounded nothing like his daughter. He tried to wake up completely and sat on the edge of his bed his head in his hands, rubbing his tired eyes. 

He stood up and walked over to the door, he listened, it was quiet, maybe he had just imagined the noises or had dreamed, but no there it was again. 

He opened the door completely and went into the hall, he followed the noise and it came from Daryl’s room. He went to the door to Daryl’s room and quietly knocked on the door “Daryl” he whispered. There was no reaction and the noise continued, it sounded like “no, no” and then “yes, please” and then some muffled words he couldn’t make out. 

Rick decided to go inside and wake his friend out of his probable nightmare. 

He opened the door and closed it behind himself. 

In the dark Rick could see Daryl tossing and turning. When he was at the edge of the bed and was about to say something, Daryl mumbled. “no, please, Carol, no, not…” and then the mumbling continued without being recognizable as being English. 

Rick was surprised that he felt strangely disappointed that Daryl said Carol’s name. His chest felt tight and he thought he recognized this weird feeling from somewhere, but he had no time to analyze, because Daryl suddenly jumped out of bed and ran into the farthest corner of the room, cowering on the floor, and holding his arms over his head as if he was afraid that someone would hurt him. 

Rick decided he had to wake him somehow, he knew that he had to be careful, it was a tricky thing to wake someone out of such a dream, but he couldn’t bear to see his friend suffer like that. 

So he went over to him slowly and started to talk in a low soothing voice, he was careful not to touch him and kept his distance but he could see that after a few seconds his voice visibly started to relax his friend. He seemed to have fallen asleep again, he was obviously in kind of a sleepwalking state. 

When Daryl was breathing deeply again, his hands in his lap and his face relaxed, Rick said his name a little louder. After the 4th time Daryl stirred and came awake with a jolt. He looked around and slowly realized that he was in fact sitting on the floor and that Rick was in the room. 

“Nightmare?” Daryl kind of asked and stated at the same time. 

“Yeah, come on, I’ll help ya up.” Rick stood up and held out his hand to Daryl who took it and let himself be pulled up. 

They walked over to the bed, and sat down side by side. 

“Have these often?” Rick asked, he thought now was the perfect time to ask, and perhaps even get an answer. 

“Sometimes.” Daryl slurred. Rick realized that he wouldn’t get any more information out of him. 

“Can I get you anything?” Rick asked.

“Nah, it’s fine. Go back to bed. I’ll be fine.” Daryl tried to sound convincingly, but Rick knew that he needed to be alone now, or at least, that he couldn’t have Rick here now in the room. So he said goodnight again and went out of the room. He closed the door behind himself. 

Rick checked on Judith, who was still sleeping, he was just lucky to have her. She was such a darling little girl. Then he went back to bed.

His last thought was to talk to Daryl about it as soon as possible. 

°~°~°

Daryl was trying hard not to cry. There had been so many traumatic experiences packed into this dream, from childhood and most recent past that he needed time to sort through it. 

Well time was actually something that he had lots of, most of all because he wouldn’t sleep again tonight anyway.

He sat up against the headboard and tried to think, but everything he could come up with was Rick.

Daryl groaned and scoffed, and then chuckled in spite of himself. 

This was just ridiculous. 

°~°~°

TBC


	5. Gone hunting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for commenting and your kudos! I love to hear what you think and really any kind of comment is welcome :) Thanks.

It was ridiculous in so many ways, he couldn’t even begin to imagine. Sure they had this connection that was tangible in all their interactions, and most of the time they didn’t even need to speak, they just communicated through their eyes or gestures, and that was all fine, but Daryl knew that he had to really address this kind of snowballing problem at some point. If not to Rick than at least to himself and possibly even to Carol? 

Otherwise he would just go crazy, he just wasn’t the kind of guy that was able to put his emotions away, they would come up again and again and if they weren’t tended to then he would just explode. And that usually was not a nice view, because his usual output was mostly aggression, and that could lead to all kinds of problems. He had changed a lot over the years, he could give himself that, but this problem, he called it, it was different, it was bigger, because he had never had to deal with that amount of feelings towards another person in his whole life. And he wouldn’t even go near the fact that Rick was in fact a man. Nope, he was in no way ready to address this, he didn’t know if he ever was. He was simply scared that he would just crack from the intense pressure, so he needed to find an outlet and yesterday. 

He shook his head and scoffed. He then sighed and looked around for his vest for smokes and lighter, but then remembered that Carol probably still had it somewhere to dry off. 

He stood up and searched around between his things and in his bag, his eyes were well adjusted to the dark in the room. He found one that was at least a good half and took it with him, with the lighter that was on the dresser, to the bed. He sat down again and lighted the cigarette. He leaned his head back again against the headrest and breathed in deeply, inhaling the smoke deeply into his lungs, and tried to exorcize all the thoughts and feelings he didn’t really know what to do with. And wouldn’t it be great if it was just this easy? 

His thoughts returned to the moment when he had realized that he was sitting on the floor in a dark room, slowly remembering where he was and noticing Rick kneeling maybe a foot away from him and in front of him on the floor.

Rick’s face was lit slightly by the half moon, that was shining through the window of the room and he had a deep and worried frown on his face. His lips were opened a bit and his full lower lip was gleaming wetly in the moon light. He must have licked it quite recently. He looked almost ethereal in this light, and Daryl in this state of half-asleep had thought he was plainly beautiful. Then he had realized what had happened and that he had had a terrible nightmare and had become wide awake feeling kind of embarrassed about the whole deal. And that Rick had to find him of all the people sleeping in this damn house. Talking about connections, really. Inwardly he scoffed again. 

When Rick then offered his hand to pull him up, he took it of course, but regretted it the second he felt Rick’s skin against his. His hand tingled and he felt too warm all of a sudden. Then when they were seated on his bed with just some inches between them he felt it again, the need to touch, the need to touch and feel and he craved also to be touched by his friend. He flinched and looked down to the floor and hoped that it was too dark to see. Rick had offered to help in any way, and if Daryl were another man he would have taken on the offer, but he was just who he was, and the past was the past, he couldn’t change that. He didn’t know if there ever could be a time that he would be able to talk about it, to anybody actually. 

As much as he would have loved Rick’s company after this nightmare and this hollow and empty feeling inside of him, that Rick seemed to have filled up a bit, he needed him to go, he needed him to not see how fucked up he actually was. He didn’t want Rick to like him less or respect him less, if he realized all this. So he asked him to leave. And again he regretted it the second the door clicked shut. 

Daryl sat there smoking in the dark room and he felt lost, he wasn’t sure if he really were able to settle in here. His cigarette was almost finished and he searched around for something to put it out, when there was nothing he just used that spot on his right hand, like he had so many times. It didn’t even burn or hurt much anymore. His skin was used to, he was used to it. He sighed again. He looked outside, it probably was about half an hour until the sun would come up, and Daryl decided to get up and go outside, he would go crazy just sitting here, thinking. It was no use anyway. This problem would just need time, it would go away with time, time spent away from Rick and Alexandria, he was convinced that he just needed a hunting trip outside and everything would settle inside his mind, and body. Well, he hoped. 

 

°~°~°

 

Rick came down the stairs and found Carol, Carl and Judith in the kitchen, Judith was in Carl’s arms and she was playing with a stuffed animal. They were smiling and talking and they seemed happy. Rick smiled and sighed. He still could not believe his luck, their luck. He just hoped on so many levels that this would be a place for them to live, for the kids to grow old even. 

They noticed Rick and greeted him. Carol smiled at him and he smiled back. Carl kind of mumbled a Good Morning, so he went over to Carl to ruffle his hair softly, “Dad” Carl moaned at him, he tried to smooth down his unruly hair. He needed his son to know that he was only worried, that he needed him to be safe, Carl seemed to be angry with him still. 

He took Judith from Carl and into his arms and looked at the stuffed animal. 

“Where she got that from?” he asked. 

“It’s from the old lady down the road, they had some toys they kept for their grandchildren, and they were happy to give them to Judith. They’re real nice.” Carl said.

Rick for a second took the small bunny in his hand, it was a little wet from Judith spit. She whined and he gave it back to her kissing her head. 

Carol, who had watched their interactions, asked him. “So what’s gonna happen today?”

Rick frowned. “I’ll be at Deanna’s later on, talk some more about this whole situation.” Carol nodded at him.

“Did you talk to Daryl?” Carl asked him grumbly.

“No, it was late yesterday, where is he anyway?” Rick said, and Carl shrugged. 

“Dad, please, you can’t just forbid us to go outside forever. We need this, I told you before that I think that these people are weak, but Enid isn’t and she spent time outside just like we did. Please.” Carl’s eyes were pleading with him. 

Rick had only listened with half an ear. “We’ll talk about this later, Carl. Carol, you seen Daryl?” 

She shook her head and said. “Maybe he’s still asleep. I’ll go check if you want.” Rick nodded a yes. 

She came down again a few minutes later and shook her head, but showed him a little note that said. 

_-Gone hunting. Back in a few days-_

Rick had to read it several times. He didn’t know what to think or feel but there was anger, fury, worry, sadness, disappointment and whatnot. All this was mixed into a turmoil of feelings and he struggled with himself to stay calm and not just run outside and out of the gate to search for him. He had probably taken off in the middle of the night, right after Rick had left the room. Rick clung to his baby girl, somehow to seek comfort, but he was probably holding her too tightly because she squirmed and whined again in his arms. Carol came over to take her out of his arms. She probably sensed that Rick wasn’t the best place at the moment for the little girl. 

Rick then turned and hung his head, he clenched his fists at his sides. 

He was beating up himself inwardly that he hadn’t insisted that he stayed last night, to talk or whatever. He should have stayed and be there for him, but Daryl hadn’t wanted him there, and he wasn’t Daryl’s babysitter, Daryl was a grown man for gods sakes. He tried to tell himself that it wasn’t his fault, but he felt guilty anyway. 

It was really very quiet in the room all of a sudden and Rick knew that they were probably a little worried about his reaction, well they didn’t know about the nightmare, and he wouldn’t tell them because that was Daryl’s business, so he turned to them and tried to appear calm and quiet, he even managed an almost normal smile. 

“’M going to look for Deanna, talk about the guards and all.” He said and looked at both of them. He then addressed Carl. “’ll talk later, son.” Carl nodded at him.  
Rick then was about to leave the house, when Carol called after him. “Rick I made some breakfast, you should eat something.” 

He stopped for a second, then said, not turning around. “Not hungry. You take care of Judith, be back later. Thanks.” It wasn’t a question, he knew that Carol would be happy to care for her, it was kind of her job whenever he wasn’t able to, and he was grateful, and Carol knew that. 

He went out and went straight to the gate. He just had to make sure. A young man was sitting there. He didn’t know him. He asked him if Daryl had left the zone, and if so when. The man said that a guy with a backpack and crossbow had indeed left Alexandria. He looked at his watch and told him, that it had been at sunrise and therefore a little more than two hours ago, he knew for sure because he had the night shift that would end in about half an hour. Rick nodded his thanks and then decided to go outside for a walk himself. He checked if he had his knife, it was at his side. The man let him through and he went outside. 

He walked beside the wall just as he had done so many times since they had arrived here. A few minutes later he saw a walker maybe two yards from him, he walked straight in its direction. It was a young woman, or it had been once. She looked really beaten up, with torn clothes and decaying flesh hanging from her right arm and leg. The closer he came the louder her growling noises became. He then stopped short and let her come to him. She came with outstretched arms and when she was with him, for a millisecond he thought about just letting himself be bitten, he did not have a death wish, he loved his children far too much for that, but he longed for oblivion, he longed for silence and the feeling of having nothing to worry about, nothing to think about and most of all he longed for a life without constant fear for their lives. Then he grabbed for his knife and killed her. She fell down with a loud thud and he looked at her, now finally in peace. This could have been one of them. This could have been one of his family. Then it came back to him, the knowledge that Daryl was out there alone. 

He raised his hand to his face and pinched the bridge of his nose, he felt like crying out of desperation, he felt so helpless. He didn’t know how he would be able to survive the next days, until he’d be back. He wanted to scream at him, and shake him, and tell him to not ever do this again, leave. Leave him. He then reminded himself that Daryl told him, that he wouldn’t leave, that he considered them his family, but what if he found another group and they hurt him or even killed him, or what if he found another group and decided to stay with them? Rick growled and walked over to the nearest tree to slam his fist into its bark, he pounded into it until he collapsed into the ground and started sobbing uncontrollably, his shoulders shaking from the force of emotion that was running through him. 

He sat there in the damp foliage until the sobbing subsided and he could breathe again. He turned around and sat against the tree that had to live through this rough treatment. His breath still was a bit shaky and his face felt swollen. He wiped away the salty wetness from his cheeks and his neck where the tears had been streaming down. The knuckles on his right hand were bloody. He hadn’t even noticed and even now he didn’t really feel any pain, he felt numb. His eyes hurt and he felt empty. He didn’t know what was wrong with him, but he felt desperate and scared by the thought that he would never see Daryl again. 

He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there but he knew that he probably should be going back before they sent out a search party for him. So he stood up and patted his pants to get rid of the leaves that were sticking to them. He then looked around for any more walkers and when he saw none he walked back to the gate.  
Meanwhile there was another guy at the gate, he remembered that this was Deanna’s son, and Rick really hoped that his face looked normal, that nobody could see that he had been crying. 

Rick decided then and there that he would push all thoughts of Daryl and his strange reactions towards this situation into the back of his mind, and that he would go and do what he could do best, namely to protect his people. 

With this thought he was admitted into the Alexandria zone again. 

He went to his house and went inside. It was empty, so Carol must have taken Judith with her and Carl was probably with the kids from around the zone. He reminded himself that they were as safe as it gets and that he should let it go. 

He went into the bathroom upstairs to see if he looked normal. His face looked a bit puffy still, so he washed it and hoped that it would be fine within the next minutes. He rinsed his bloody knuckles and cleaned them as best he could. In the cabinet he found some gauze and some bandage and he used it to bandage up his injured hand. 

He then walked by Daryl’s room and stopped there right in front of the door, it was closed. He opened it and went inside. He looked around to see if Daryl had taken everything with him, but there were some clothes and a few broken cigarettes lay there on the dresser. He went over to the bed. It was made, probably Carol, Rick thought, and sat down on the side that was facing the window, where Daryl had been lying last night. It was a queen-sized bed. All rooms actually had big double beds, except Judith’s. Rick smoothed his hand over the pillow, as if to feel Daryl here. He shook his head and pulled back his hand. What was he doing? He asked himself. This was crazy. He would come back home to them. Get a grip. He thought to himself. 

Rick stood up hurriedly and without another look he left the room and closed the door behind himself. 

He went down and into the kitchen to grab something to eat. 

There was a plate that Carol left him, in the fridge, with a note that said. ‘EAT ME’ 

He smiled and he took it out and did as he was told. 

He was almost finished when someone was knocking on the door. He went to open the door to find Aaron standing there. 

“Oh hello Rick, I was actually looking for Daryl.” He said with a friendly smile.

Rick was growling inwardly, and managed at least a polite. “’S not here.”

Aaron still was not really comfortable around Rick, and who wouldn’t understand that after all that had happened, so he replied kind of nervously. 

“Alright, I just wanted to ask him if he’s decided what to do. Perhaps you could tell him to come by my house. I’d like to talk to him.” 

Rick was irritated. What was that guy talking about? Then he remembered the day he found Daryl with Aaron and Eric, and then he was even more irritated with this guy. 

“Look, he’s gone hunting, and ‘m not sure when he’ll be back. Go talk to him then.” Rick then nodded to Aaron and was about to close the door in his face when Aaron held out his hand to prevent Rick from doing that. 

“Rick, I know I’m not your favorite guy in the world, but I really do understand. I don’t want to come in between anything here. It was just something that I suggested to Daryl.” 

What was this guy talking about, coming in between what? He really had no idea what it was about him, but Rick always just wanted to slap this guy right in the face. He tried to calm down, and nodded to Aaron. He told him it was fine, and that everything was just peachy, well not in so many words, but anyway. When Aaron finally went away Rick could breathe again. Rick sighed again, he noticed that he had done that a hell of a lot these last few days. 

He finished the breakfast and cleaned the plate to let it dry off. 

Then he left the house and went to Deanna. On his way he found Maggie and Glenn, they both were already waiting for him, they went to Deanna’s together. Another round of heated discussions were laying ahead of them. Rick was actually happy about that, because this would distract him from thinking and worrying too much about Daryl. 

°~°~°

TBC


	6. Alone is not the same as lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, for your kudos and comments and for your interest in general.  
> The sixth chapter is now up. Please let me know what you think :) 
> 
> Please be warned, there is some TWD canonical gore in this chapter, but it is not very graphic.

Daryl crouched down in between two bushes to search for traces of the game that he had been following for the last hours. He carefully uncovered the ground from leaves and foliage and tried to find anything he could identify. After some minutes of searching, he finally found the traces again and if he was really, really lucky they were having deer for dinner soon. He smiled when he thought of his extended family. They’d be thrilled if he came home with a deer. Of course it wasn’t the same anymore like before when they went hungry for days but still it was a feast to have fresh and untainted meat. 

The last hours had been cathartic he had to admit. He loved being out here in the open, in the woods. He’d probably prefer this to Alexandria any day. The last days had almost been claustrophobic to him, and not only because he had felt imprisoned within the confines of Alexandria. He had felt trapped in his own mind and body, in his own skin, without any kind of outlet. Somehow, it was as if his body all of a sudden had decided to wake up from a deep sleep. His skin had tingled constantly whenever Rick had been close to him and there was this feeling of excitement in his stomach, a nervousness that had bubbled below the surface. It was still there whenever he thought of Rick. Most disturbing of all had been this unremitting desire to touch him, or be touched by him. He felt embarrassed even now thinking about it. What would Rick think of him, if he ever learned about these definitely not brotherly feelings that Daryl had for him? 

He felt ashamed. He had been raised, well if you actually could call it that, with the knowledge that being gay was wrong and even more so, it was a dangerous “lifestyle”. 

There had been a boy that had lived close to them, and Daryl remembered that Merle and his fellow _friends_ had always punished him and bullied him simply for being fragile and like they had said a “pussy” a “fairy” or a “queen”. The boy hadn’t even necessarily been gay, but he had looked small and kind of frail and had been too nice. Daryl had actually liked him, but of course Merle would have killed him if he had shown it, therefore he had just played the game. 

In a way Daryl’s always been a survivor. Now it merely was a different kind of wilderness as it had been in his childhood. 

Still, he had never really thought about his sexuality in terms of categories, he had simply never really been interested. He had never been in love, and he had never liked a girl well enough to pursue a mature relationship. Let alone a guy. That hadn’t even been an issue. Not in the slightest. There had been sex with two or three girls, he wasn’t sure because he had been too drunk with the last one, and he had never talked to her again afterwards to confirm. It didn’t matter really anyway. At least not to him, maybe to Merle, but not anymore. 

So why now, Daryl wondered again. And why a guy? And Rick of all people, his best friend. There was no answer to this question really. At least he didn’t know it, and they always said ‘Love is blind’ – well the saying was true in this case. And he knew he loved Rick, of that he was sure. He purely hadn’t expected it to grow to something so messy and confusing as it apparently had. 

Before Alexandria when they had just been on the run, he wouldn’t have had the time to even realize his feelings, but now everything was different. He was reminded of the time in the prison. There they had had at least a modicum of privacy and had felt safe enough to take care of their human needs. Well Daryl could tell because of the sounds and noises that had been audible in the calm and quiet of some nights. He was a light sleeper and he was sure that he must have heard all of them over the time they had been staying there. He also was sure that they hadn’t heard him, because he always was very quiet, that just came with the fact that he had to learn to be quiet. He had shared a room with his brother for the longest time, actually until Merle left, and therefore he just had to be. Another reason probably was that he was always embarrassed, he was a very private person, and he just hadn’t been ready to share such a private moment with his extended family. 

Daryl could count the times he had masturbated since the apocalypse on one hand. He’d never been one of those guys that were driven by their sexual urges all the time. He had urges like any other man, but he used to suppress these needs because they usually were just inconvenient. He wasn’t a people person and he usually was rather awkward around them, most of all if he got a sense that they were making fun of him, or were looking down on him. He just never really got along with most people, so he stayed away as much as he could. 

Again he wasn’t sure why his body and mind, and heart, all of a sudden had decided to change all this. He was extremely confused and on the verge of despair because he just didn’t know how to handle this. He didn’t want Rick to see him differently or treat him differently. He was afraid that Rick would turn away from him if he found out that Daryl had these shameful feelings for him. 

~°~°~

Daryl shook his head to stop this train of thoughts, he went back to tracking. From time to time he looked around to see if there were walkers or other possible dangers, but it was mostly quiet there. So far he had only come across two single walkers that he had quickly disposed of without any hassle. 

The hunter was not sure yet where he’d spend the night. It was a very strange situation for him, and he actually kind of dreaded the thought to spend the night out in the woods all alone, without the safety of big walls and without the comfort of his own room. It was amazing how soon even he had gotten accustomed to the comfort and the safety, and he was reminded of Carl’s words, that it was important to stay strong and not become weak while staying in Alexandria. The kid had made a point, and now even more so he felt the same way. 

Daryl looked up to the sun and around to calculate the time, he had probably not more than two hours left before it would start getting dark. He really should decide about this sooner rather than later. For a second he thought about going back to Alexandria, but it would take him hours, and then he’d still have to go through the woods in the dark, which was too risky in any case. 

He was still undecided when he saw a raised hide about two-hundred yards away. He went to it and started to check if it was still intact. It was actually rather stable and since it was fastened to trees on three sides it looked sturdy enough. He started to climb the ladder when he stepped on the third rung and it instantly broke apart. Daryl almost fell down, he ripped his pants on a sharp wedge and injured his leg a little bit, but was able to hold on to the ladder in the last second. He pulled himself up again and stepped directly on the next rung. The rest of them were fine and when he reached the top he pulled at the handle of the small door. It wasn’t locked. He opened the door and went inside. It was small but clean. Big enough for a person to sleep in. There was a small table and a chair sitting under the only window this thing had. He looked through the window. It was a nice view over the woods and the fields. He put down his bow and leaned it on the wall. The backpack was put on the floor. 

He checked his pants and pulled up the torn fabric over his left leg to see how bad it was. It was a deep cut, it had bled a little. Daryl grabbed for his backpack to look for something to bandage it. He found a spare rag to bandage up the wound. It stung a bit but it shouldn’t be a problem. 

While sitting there and enjoying the calm and quiet he thought that it was actually really crazy to be here, all by himself, and to stay out in the wilderness without any backup. It was dumb. He must have been so very scared of this whole situation with Rick that he had made a decision that was unreasonable and irrational, simply stupid. 

Daryl sighed. He would go back to Alexandria tomorrow, and not as originally planned to stay out here for several days, to come to grips with his feelings. He decided that he would use the night to think about all of it, and confront all aspects of the feelings he had. He wouldn’t sleep anyway, because it was just too dangerous. 

He pulled out the blanket out of his backpack and sat down on the floor, with his back against the wall opposite to the door. At the moment it was warm enough but later on he would probably be thankful that he’d packed the blanket. He closed the door and pulled the chair over to barricade the door and then roamed around in this bags to search for a cigarette. He then remembered that he left them on the dresser. Daryl sighed again. He would have to make do without any help. 

~°~°~

Daryl’s thoughts went back to Rick. His strong hands and arms and his smile that always warmed his insides. Daryl felt the tingling again in his whole body and a heat was spreading in his belly. When he thought about touching Rick, even only just his arms and hands, Rick’s fingers intertwining with his own fingers, and being touched by them, his cock twitched and he felt arousal stir inside of him. He tried to quench it again but it was useless. All those images, feelings, desires and fantasies that he had pushed away the last days were now coming back to him with a vengeance. His pulse quickened and he felt his cock getting hard instantly. It was almost painful and the need for release was so intense that he almost sobbed out of relief when he opened up his pants to take himself out. 

Daryl’s strong fingers of his right hand closed around his member and he slowly started to stroke himself. He slid down the wall just a tad, and pulled down his pants a little more, to then spread his legs a little wider. His left hand found his balls and he gripped them firmly but not too tightly just to make it last a little while longer. He was so very on edge that he knew he wouldn’t last very long. In his mind Rick smiled at him and Daryl imagined Rick’s strong fingers on his cock, and Rick’s hand that was stroking up and down. He stroked himself faster and harder. Then, in his mind, Rick said his name in his low voice and that brought Daryl over the edge and he came in long desperate spurts all over his hand and his shirt. He stroked until his cock would spend the final drop and until it almost was painful. Then he just sat there, he leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. 

His breath slowed down again and his heart rate slowly came back to normal. Daryl opened his eyes to look at his hand and take in the mess of his release all over his softened cock and hand. He wiped his hand on his soiled shirt, then he took off his coat and pulled his shirt over his head to use it as a rag to clean himself. When he was more or less clean he pulled up his boxers again and his pants. He hoped he had packed the spare shirt, and luckily he had. He put it on and his coat as well and then tried to come back to his senses.

When his mind started to work again he realized that he had just jerked off to thoughts of his best friend. Daryl felt sick, and he felt ashamed. He felt like crying, but no tear would come. He yearned for oblivion, for a time machine, to bring him back to the time when Rick was only his friend, when he didn’t feel ashamed for loving him. 

He closed his eyes again, leaned back against the wall and sighed desperately. 

~°~°~

Daryl woke up, it was still relatively dark outside, but the moon was shining and it was a clear sky, so there was some light. He heard growling and snarling noises, and they were very close by. His heart skipped a beat and then accelerated. Walkers, he thought.

He slowly and quietly got to his knees to crawl to the door, moved away the chair to the side and then looked through the gaps between the wooden planks of door to the hide. Two walkers were down there, they were gnawing on the broken rung. He must have lost some drops of blood when he had injured his leg earlier. 

Daryl went from sleepy to wide awake in a matter of seconds. 

He had to leave, if he stayed and even more walkers would smell the blood then he was fucked. He would have to go back while it was dark, or find something else to stay, but he couldn’t stay here. That would be suicide, sooner or later there would be more of them. 

Daryl packed his things, he threw his blanket in his backpack, fastened it and put it on his back and then he grabbed his bow. He felt for his knife, it was there.  
With another look he checked if they were still at the ladder, and they were. 

He drew his bow and kicked open the door, he then aimed and he killed the walker on the left with one arrow, he readied his bow again and killed the one on the right.  
He looked around and scanned for more walkers. He waited and listened. It was all quiet and he couldn’t see anything moving around. Then he hopped down and pulled the bows out of the decaying heads of the walkers. Again he checked if there was another walker around. The moonlight probably had been his lifesaver because otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to see enough, and he didn’t bring a flashlight, he only had his lighter. 

He was furious with himself. How could he have been so careless, so stupid? 

Daryl looked around and played out different scenarios in his mind of how to survive the night. Most of them were even more stupid than staying in that small hide.  
After a few minutes he had finally decided what he would do. He went over to the dead walkers and pulled out his knife. He gutted the walker closest to him, he had to hold his breath to stop gagging because of the smell, then put down his backpack and he pulled out the dirty shirt. He soaked it with the walker’s intestines, blood and liquid. He smeared it on the broken rung to cover up his own blood. Then he left the rag on the rung. 

He took his knife cut the walker to pieces. The pieces he distributed in a circle around the hide and himself. Then he soaked the rag again and smeared some of it on himself, just to make sure. 

Daryl then sat down in the middle of the circle beside the other walker and under the ladder. He would stay awake. He was determined to stay awake until sunrise, and then he would go back. 

It was a shame that he didn’t get the deer, he thought in spite of himself. 

However, the hunting somehow wasn’t that important anymore anyway, he wanted to survive the night, to get back to Rick, because he had promised Rick that he wouldn’t leave, and if he now didn’t come back, then Rick would probably think that he had just left, and he would be disappointed, sad probably and Daryl felt nauseous just thinking about it. 

No, he had to get back to Rick, to make sure that he could stay true to his word. 

He had to get back. 

~°~°~

TBC 

 

Next chapter the boys get back together again. And they will get closer. I promise. But they still will need some time to figure things out.


	7. Back home

Rick was exhausted. He just wasn’t the kind of man who liked to talk things through in endless discussions, he rather just acted. Deanna and her people were extremely irritating, they weren’t ready to see the danger. They had been talking all day long, which was actually alright, because it made him forget that Daryl was out there all alone, but then after a sleepless night, with lots of tossing and turning, and worrying they started again the next morning. And Rick was so tired of hearing all their petty excuses and their arguments which were just worthless in this new world. It really was enough, hours and hours of long discussions, and still not the solution he'd like best. 

Most of all, he thought, Deanna was simply defending her husband’s work. Sure the walls were solid and would probably be able to hold for a long time, but they weren’t safe against other groups or even one person with a gun, that was determined to get inside the zone. They had to man the guard tower without respite, and he wouldn’t back off until this was put into action. They had enough volunteers for the job, they had to stay alert, and they had to stay vigil.

~°~°~

He opened the door to his family’s house, and went inside. He closed it behind him. It was eerily quiet, it was still empty. They were all gone. He didn’t like not knowing where they all were, he still had problems letting go of the need for control. He sat down on the couch a little lost. Deanna had asked him to stay for lunch so that they could continue their discussions, but frankly he needed a break, so he declined and went home. He hoped that they would come to an agreement after lunch when they would be meeting again. He didn’t want to use other methods of persuasion. 

There was a knock on the front door. For a second he contemplated to simply ignore it but then he sighed and stood up to get it.

He opened and there was Jessie standing there, in her hands she had some dish with what looked like some sort of casserole. It was steaming and it smelled divine. His stomach growled and he realized that he actually was hungry. She smiled at him and looked at him expectantly. He raised his eyes from the food to her eyes and smiled back. 

“Hungry?” She asked.

“Famished.” He replied. He stepped aside and let her in. She went straight to the kitchen as if she had been in there before, and probably she had. She talked about her sons that were in school with Carl and that she loved to cook and that she hoped that he were actually hungry so she could feed him. He listened to her talking about this and that while she roamed around the kitchen and the dining table, she laid out plates, cutlery and napkins. He was surprised she knew where everything was. It actually felt nice, it felt domestic and _normal_. So normal that it was actually weird. He was jolted from his reverie when she looked at him again with expectation. She smiled knowingly.

“I asked if you liked something to drink, I usually only drink water. You?” She asked.

“Water’s fine. Thanks for doing this.” He smiled at her.

“You’re not much of a talker, are you?” it was a rhetorical question because she turned away to finish doing what she started. A few minutes later they were sitting at the table and he enjoyed a nice home cooked meal from a nice lady. It was almost surreal.

Jessie obviously was a talker, she kept on going incessantly about this and that, and if this had been Lori, he would have told her to shut up, in nicer words, but this was Jessie and this was normalcy and therefore he not even had to endure it but it made him feel lighter and calmer somehow. He, just like everybody else in his group, craved this normalcy, even if it really was hard to get used to it again. He was reminded of their first day when she offered the haircut and he accepted the offer. She was a nice, easygoing person, and she didn’t have that baggage to carry that everybody in his family had to carry. It made him feel as if he were in fantasy world, if just for a few minutes or hours. He wasn’t sure how he felt about this, and he couldn’t help being reminded of his son’s words. _‘They are weak and I don’t want **us** to become week too.’_

This kind of made him want to tell her to stop talking and listen to him. He wanted to tell her what the **real** world was like. He wanted to tell her about all the terrifying, devastating, exhausting details so that she would realize, and he wanted to tell her to stop fucking pretending that everything was just fine, when it really wasn’t. He put down his fork and raised his bandaged hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. There was a headache coming up, he could feel it. 

“Is everything alright? What happened to your hand?” Jessie asked. She looked worried and also had stopped eating.

Rick looked at his hand. The blood had soaked the bandage and you could see four crimson blotches. All of a sudden he was reminded of his little tête-à-tête with the tree, and his thoughts went back to his best friend who was out there alone. His stomach did a turn and his chest felt tight. He felt a wave of panic coming up, what if he was hurt? What if he needed help, and nobody was around to help him? Should he go after him? But where? His pulse quickened and he knew that he needed to stop this immediately or he would embarrass himself in front of Jessie by breaking out into tears or something else equally awkward. So he took a deep breath and another and just answered her question, well, kind of. 

“Nothin’ – ran into … somethin’.” Jessie grabbed his hand. He was shocked how bold and forward she was. She looked at it and said that it had to be cleaned, and that she could do that. That she would in fact do it after they finished lunch. He was kind of speechless because in all these last years there was no one that had acted even remotely like this around him. It reminded him a bit of Lori. He didn’t know if he liked it or if he didn’t but he decided he would let it be. So he kind of murmured an ‘alright, thanks’ to her. 

She let go of his hand and they continued to eat, more or less in comfortable silence. After lunch Jessie smiled at him again and stood up, she was about to take his plate when he stopped her, he didn’t want her to do all this, it felt strange, he didn’t want to be indebted to her. Even such a small thing made him feel a pressure inside of him, he didn’t know what it was but he didn’t want that. Perhaps he didn’t want it because of Lori, or because he didn’t know yet what their place was here in Alexandria. Still, she waved his hand and protest aside and picked up the plates to bring them into the kitchen.

Again he didn’t know how to feel about this, he felt strangely overwhelmed by her behavior, so he kept his mouth shut, just because he knew that his manners might have suffered over the last years and he would probably say something rude or hurtful. And he didn’t want that, she was merely being nice and friendly. So he picked up the empty glasses and the napkins and brought them into the kitchen to her. Again she smiled at him. She looked at him in a certain way that made him feel as if he wasn’t in on the joke. 

He looked around for a dishtowel to dry afterwards, it was the least he could do. He found one and leaned against the counter.

“I can put the rest of the food in the fridge, for later, you can just heat it up.” She told him.

“Yah thanks, ‘s really nice.” He said.

“Oh and before I forget, if you ever need a babysitter for your daughter, I’ll be happy to help. I’m working on an art project with my boys at the moment, but otherwise I’m free.” Jessie said, again with that knowing smile.

He really was not sure what to make of it, he decided to ignore it for the moment. As for the babysitting, he was not ready to let someone else outside of his family watch over Judith, it all was too fresh. He was not ready, but she didn’t need to know that. He thanked her again, and told her that he would take her up on that if the need occurred. 

They finished the dishes together and Jessie then went home to get some additional supplies to bandage up his hand. She told him she had some ointment that was antibacterial. She got it from her late husband who was a doctor. He thanked her again. 

She went to the door and opened it. Before she went outside she told him to sit down and relax and that she should be back in about ten minutes. So he did just that.  
Rick felt even more exhausted after this encounter than before. Polite and friendly interactions with people just weren’t his strengths anymore, it was hard to pretend, and he felt as if he was wearing a disguise the whole time, except when he was with Daryl and perhaps Carol. He leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. The headache was there. And it kept growing stronger with every thought of his friend out there in the woods. He fell asleep thinking about Daryl. 

~°~°~

_Rick was running, he breathed heavily, he knew he had to run or he would be too late. He had to reach him. If he didn’t reach him he would die. And he couldn’t die, if he died there would be nothing else. It would be all darkness and no light. So he kept running. He could see them now, there were so many of them, growling, and trying to reach for Daryl. And Daryl was there, standing there with his back to Rick, in the middle of a clearing in the woods, he was just standing there, he didn’t move, and didn’t run. Rick kept screaming, run Daryl, run, but he didn’t move. He was just standing there. And the herd was getting closer and closer to him, and Rick was running and trying to reach him before they could. He was starting to shoot them, and he could kill many of them, but then his gun wouldn’t work anymore and he knew he needed to reach him, and take him with him so they could escape. They had to run together. He was so tired, but he couldn’t slow down, or Daryl would die. He screamed again for Daryl to run, but Daryl was just standing there, still, with his back to Rick, he wouldn’t move. Rick passed the herd and was able to get through them unharmed, now he had a chance, now they had time to get away, he just had to reach Daryl. And then he did and he stopped short right behind him, and called his name. And then Daryl finally turned, and Rick could see his eyes, and his face, and these deep and beautiful eyes were blank with a silvery shine, his face was pale and this was not Daryl anymore, this was something else. This creature raised his hands and opened his mouth and snarled at him. He lost, he was too late, Daryl was gone, and Rick was crushed, he lost him….._

The loud knock on the door started him up and out of his terrifying dream. Rick was disoriented for a second, then slowly realized where he was and what had happened. He then thought of his dream and felt sick. He didn’t believe in visions or prophecies but this dream had been so lucid that he felt cold fear creeping up inside of him. What if? 

There was the knock again on the door and this time a bit more insistent. It had to be Jessie, Rick thought. He actually would love to ignore it, he didn’t feel like company, but on the other hand, it perhaps would distract him from the terrible aftertaste that the dream had left. He reminded himself that Daryl was the most capable guy amongst all his people and that he was the best hunter he knew and that he was just quintessentially a survivor. He tried to believe himself.

Rick went to the door and opened it. Jessie stood there with a raised hand as if she was just about to knock again on the door. She looked at him worriedly. 

Rick raised his hands to his face and rubbed his tired eyes. “’M sorry, I fell asleep. Please come in.” He stepped aside and she went inside. He closed the door and followed her. 

Jessie put the stuff she brought on the table where they had been eating not long ago. Rick sat down.

Jessie went into the kitchen. She came back with a bowl with warm water, and some paper towels. She asked him to give her his hand. He did, and she took it in her hands. Efficiently she took off the bandage and began to clean the wounds. She was gentle and very thorough, you could see that she was a doctor’s wife, or maybe she also was a nurse, after all she had said that she had done lots of things before all that. 

Rick was deep in thought again when the door to the house opened and he looked up. Daryl was standing in the door, looking at them, his face went from looking grim to sad to furious. He was dirty and had dried blood all over him, and he really was looking furious, Rick thought. Before Rick could say or do anything in his state of surprise, relief and shock, he could only watch Daryl storming inside and upstairs to slam the door of the upstairs bathroom shut. Rick wasn’t sure what had happened just now, he was baffled and also puzzled by Daryl’s behavior. 

Jessie was also kind of perplexed, she looked at Rick with an open mouth. 

Rick took his hand back from her. He looked at it, then looked at her. 

“I’ll finish this myself, I need ta talk to Daryl. Thanks for ya help, lunch ‘n everything…” Jessie raised her hand to signal him to stop talking. 

“Rick, it’s fine, you don’t have to explain, I understand. I’ll be going now. I’ll see you later.” She left the supplies for his hand and quietly left the house.

~°~°~

Rick stood there, he considered his next move. Should he just run upstairs and kick in the bathroom door to get him to talk? Probably not the best idea, he thought with a smirk, but now that he knew that his friend was in fact alive and seemingly well, and covered in blood, that was hopefully not his, he felt an anger inside of him. After being relieved and so very glad to see him again, he just wanted to punch him in the face for leaving and most of all for going alone. 

Rick knew that he had to confront Daryl or he would in fact go crazy and Daryl had to promise him to never again go out there all by himself. 

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself and went upstairs. 

~°~°~

TBC 

 

The boys get to talk in the next chapter.  
It’s almost finished already and will be up this weekend.  
Thanks again for reading and for staying with me. :)


	8. Face to Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your comments and kudos :)  
> Thanks for reading. 
> 
> You are fantastic !!!

‘What the fuck!’ Daryl said to himself over and over again, while he was standing under the steaming hot water. He had all this walker blood clinging to his clothes and to his skin, it was itching like hell and the smell was simply atrocious. He just wanted to get cleaned up so that he could get out of the house and did not have to see that again. Those two lovebirds sitting there holding hands. It was pathetic, he was pathetic, and most of all his childish behavior, like running upstairs and banging the door, like a schoolboy. Very mature Daryl, he said to himself. He was so embarrassed. And wasn’t that what he was trying to avoid in the first place? It was important to him what Rick thought of him, and acting like a schoolboy didn’t really contribute anything positive to the image Rick had of him. 

Daryl was badly disappointed and also sad. He had spent the whole walk back to Alexandria thinking about Rick and what he’d like to tell him, but couldn’t, how he’d love to open up to him, talk to him, but was afraid to, and also if he even should talk to Carol, she suspected that something was wrong anyways, she was too sharp for her own good. 

In the end he had realized that he really was looking forward to seeing him again, and he had decided that he would try to live with his feelings, and regard them as _existent_. He would stop denying them and he would stop to push them away, it was no use. He would continue to hide them from him, of course, but he wouldn’t deny them any longer to himself. He was pretty proud of himself that he handled this whole deal rather maturely, some years ago he would have just drowned everything in alcohol and aggression. 

It seemed that Carol was right, he had grown up into a man. He was glad that he was still alive, his horror trip had worked out fine and the walk back home had been rather uneventful. As soon as the sun had started to rise he had packed his backpack and his bow and had returned home. He had come across only two single walkers, and he had even been able to shoot two rabbits that had been crossing his path. 

The guy at the gate in Alexandria had looked freaked out when he had first taken a good look at him, he had probably thought that Daryl was a walker, but after Daryl had been able to assure him that he was in fact fine, and the blood was in fact walker’s blood he had convinced him to let him back into the zone. He then had come straight to the house not only to look for Rick but really to get cleaned up. To then find Rick **and** Jessie there, holding hands, in their house, this was just too much. He probably overreacted, but he was so angry to see them there. Most of all because she was allowed to hold his hands and stroke his fingers, and that was what Daryl longed to do. It seemed he had a thing for Rick’s hands and fingers, he didn’t know. 

“Daryl!” there was a loud knocking on the door of the bathroom. Daryl turned off the water in the shower. He was finished anyways but had been enjoying the hot stream for a minute longer, so he decided to pretend that he hadn’t heard it. They knew he was in the shower, and everything what they or he had to say could wait. He turned the water back on again. 

However it seemed that it couldn’t, Rick said his name again, and this time the knocking was even more persistent. 

Daryl shouted. “I’m in’e shower, for fuck sake! What d’ya want?” he knew that he probably used a somewhat aggressive tone with him that he hadn’t used for a long time. And of course there was a slight pause, and then Rick’s voice was audible again and this time it was deeper, lower and slower. 

“Daryl, if ya don’t open up this fucking door and talk ta me this instant, I will kick it in.” Rick emphasized every word of the last sentence. 

It was not that Daryl was afraid of Rick, it was just that he didn’t like to be on the receiving end of Rick’s wrath. It was kind of dark and he didn’t need that. So he gave in, he turned off the water completely and got out of the shower. He used one towel to rub it through his wet hair, he tried to smooth his bangs down again afterwards and then wrapped a towel around his hips and went to the door, he otherwise was still dripping wet, but he didn’t care. He opened it to see Rick standing there with his hands on his hips, his head was tipped to the side in his typical fashion. 

“What the fuck do ya want?” Daryl asked him with not as much force behind his words, but still enough aggression that Rick’s posture got straighter. Rick squinted a bit, his eyes were wandering up and down Daryl’s body, he then scoffed and looked away. He let out a deep breath. 

“Ya know, I could ask you the same! I don’t even know where to begin, but do ya know how fucking stupid it was to go out there alone?” Rick pointed to the outside. He was letting go of his hips and raised his injured hand to his forehead, probably another headache, Daryl thought and then he saw that Rick’s knuckles were bleeding slightly. 

“What happened t’ya hand?” he asked Rick. 

Rick was startled, he looked at his hand. “S nothin’. And don’t avoid the question, I … look. “ he looked at Daryl’s chest and paused. “Get dressed. We need ta talk.” 

“There’s nothin’ ta talk about. ‘m back. I know t’was stupid. Hell I know. Won’t go by myself again.” Daryl said snottily. Then a bit calmer he added. “Now will ya let me be?!” 

Rick slowly shook his head and squinted at him again, he licked his lower lip. Daryl was fascinated by it and couldn’t look away for a second. “You and I, we need ta talk and I don’t take no for an answer. ‘n we can do it here standing, or we can go down” Rick paused “’n we can talk like civilized people.” Rick’s eyes were wide open and he waited for Daryl to reply. 

Daryl scoffed at the word “civilized”. He ignored Rick, he picked up his soiled clothes, his bow and pack and just pushed past Rick to go into his room. He didn’t like being ‘handled’ like this. When someone pushed him, he’d push back for sure. And Rick usually noticed when he pushed him, and usually would leave him alone. That he wouldn’t this time was very unnerving to Daryl. He should know better. On the other hand they were friends and they were family and somehow Daryl liked that Rick cared enough that he didn’t just let him be, but insisted on this talk. Maybe they should. But not down there _at the table_ where he and Jessie had been sitting.  
So Daryl went into his room, with Rick following him closely. Rick stopped at the entrance to lean against the doorframe. 

Daryl went over to his bed, he put down the dirty clothes on the floor. His pack was thrown on the dresser and the bow was leant against the wall. He still ignored Rick, but was intensely aware of Rick’s energy and presence. He wondered if Jessie was still in the house and waited for Rick to come back down, but probably not, because Rick had asked him to come down to talk, and he was like Daryl a very private man. 

Daryl searched for clean boxers in the dresser, there should still be a pair. He roamed around and found it. When he finally couldn’t stand the awkward silence any longer he simply spat. “So talk.” 

Rick had his arms folded and was still leaning against the frame. He relaxed visibly with Daryl’s words. 

“The other night. When you had the nightmare. Was this the reason you left?” Rick asked with a calm and low voice. 

Daryl was taken aback for a second, he hadn’t expected Rick to be so bold, and ask about the nightmares. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about this at all, so he waited and said nothing. He still was wearing only the towel, his skin had dried meanwhile, but he didn’t know if he should take it off in front of Rick or if he should just keep the towel and put on the boxers with it wrapped around his hips. They had seen each other naked of course, but this was somehow different. He really wasn’t sure what he was feeling about it. 

On the one hand he would like to parade his body in front of Rick, he was really fit, there wasn’t an ounce of fat on him anymore and the last years had finely-toned his whole body, but on the other hand he was still insecure and kind of afraid what Rick would think. He decided to use option two and put on his boxers and only when he had them securely fastened around his hips he got rid of the towel. In his pack he had a pair of black jeans that he always carried in case he needed it. He put them on as well, he left open the top button. Daryl then sighed, he sat down on the edge of the bed, with his broad back to Rick. What he’d give for a cigarette right now, but he didn’t want to stand up again, so he stayed put. He let his head hang low to look at his hands. He decided to go with the truth as best he could. He detested lies. 

“’t was not the only reason.” Daryl paused.

“Go on.” Rick asked quietly. Daryl heard him coming further into the room and closer to the bed. 

“’m going crazy here.” There, he finally admitted it. 

Rick sighed. He sat down on the other side of the bed, he leaned his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands to rub his forehead. They were sitting there on both sides of the bed with their backs to each other. They were both kind of glad that they didn’t have to look into each other’s eyes. Daryl because he was embarrassed and nervous around him and Rick because he felt really awkward about all this.

Rick sighed again, and said. “Ya know, I didn’t believe Carol when she said, that ya might have a problem with being here. ‘s not easy, to fit in, believe me I know, but ya should try and get ta know them, they’re nice actually.” 

Daryl just scoffed. Of course he would say that, Jessie was obviously very _nice_ to him. 

Rick then continued. “Hey I’m just saying. Ya should try.” He paused, then he said. “Daryl, I need …. I ….” Rick sighed. “I was going crazy when you went out there alone. I know we usually don’t talk about all this, but I think I need to hear from ya that ya promise to stay. And I need ya ta tell me whenever ya need something. I’m .. we’re all here for you, we’re a family.” Rick then turned his body a little and faced Daryl on the bed. 

Daryl could feel his eyes on his back. He turned his head and body and looked at Rick. Their eyes locked and suddenly they both became aware of the fact that they were sitting on a bed with only a few feet between them, half naked, at least Daryl still was, and with nobody else in the room. The tingling feeling returned and Daryl could feel it spreading throughout his whole body. He swallowed audibly and opened his mouth a little as if to say something. Rick’s eyes widened slightly and he turned away all of a sudden. 

Their intense connection was broken. 

Daryl stood up to walk over to his backpack. He searched for another shirt but there was none. He remembered that he had needed it when he was in the woods, he also was reminded then and there that he had used it to clean of his cum, after he had masturbated to thoughts of his friend, the very friend that was sitting there on his bed in this moment. 

Rick then started another attempt to talk to him. He was standing now also and had come over to Daryl. “Will you stay with us?” he said with a husky voice. 

Daryl raised his head and turned it to Rick. He looked at him and said. “I could never leave. Told ya.”

Rick then smiled at him, he raised his injured hand and put in on Daryl’s naked shoulder, and he started to pull him in as if he was about to …. No it couldn’t be. It seemed Rick was about to hug him. Daryl’s heart started beating furiously, his mouth became dry. Rick then drew him into his arms. He put his strong right arm around his neck, and his left on his waist. His thumb and index finger touched his bare skin there. Daryl was paralyzed at first. He then laid his chin on Rick’s right shoulder. He breathed in his scent. It was heaven, Rick smelled clean, warm and slightly musky. He closed his eyes. Their chests were touching and it felt like home, a home he’d never really had. He didn’t even have a word for what he really felt. He then cautiously put his own arms around Rick’s body. He could feel the strong muscles under the fabric of the shirt. He prayed to god that this would never end. He just hoped that his body would behave itself. 

They must have been standing like this for several minutes, when they heard knocking on the front door, then someone opening it and then a voice. It was Jessie. The woman was driving him nuts.

“Rick, are you there? They are waiting for you at Deanna’s! Can you come now?” she called. 

Rick reluctantly let go of Daryl. He stood before him, his right hand was still in his neck and now it wound itself into Daryl’s hair and stroked it. He pulled Daryl close so that their foreheads were touching. Daryl’s irritation caused by hearing Jessie’s voice was pushed away by a turmoil of other warm and fuzzy feelings. 

“I need you here with me, Daryl. Please don’t ever leave. Promise me. You’re my brother.” Rick whispered. 

Daryl was shocked and speechless, that Rick would say something like this and also initiate such intimacy between them, and he was deeply touched by it, so he couldn’t not answer to this. 

“I promise.” He replied quietly. 

Rick then let go of him and looked at him again. His eyes were warm and there it was, that smile that lit up everything inside of Daryl. He loved him so very much. He thought about just holding on to him right then and there and just kissing him, but dismissed the idea shortly after. This would ruin everything. And he couldn’t lose Rick’s friendship. He would have to live with it being just what it was, a friendship. 

Rick then sighed, and it seemed as if he didn’t want to leave. He also seemed a little lost and it felt as if he wanted to say something else but couldn’t. 

Quietly Rick then asked. “Can we talk a bit more later on?” He looked at Daryl with his big blue eyes, and Daryl wasn’t able to deny him anything, so he nodded and then Rick nodded as well and he left. He stopped in the door to turn around and smile at Daryl again. His eyes seemed to wander over Daryl’s naked chest once more. Then he left. 

~°~°~

Daryl stood there in his room. What had just happened? There was so much warmth between them that Daryl wondered if there perhaps was a way that there could be more between them, but then he discarded the thought immediately. Rick had called him his brother, and nothing else. He knew that Rick loved him as well, but just like a brother. He had to really accept that there never ever would be anything else between them. Rick had Jessie now. He felt so very sad. He felt like crying. This would be hard, but he had to endure it, he would. 

Daryl went down to search for his vest and other clothes when Carol came in through the front door, Judith in her arms. She smiled happily. She looked at him and one look was enough to tell her that something had happened. She went over to him. She touched his shoulder and squeezed a little. 

“I’m so glad you’re back. Is everything alright?” she asked him. 

He kind of nodded his head, but wouldn’t reply to her but asked instead. “Need my clothes, where’d you put’em?” 

“They’re in the back room where the washer is. Here hold her, I will get them.” She gave Judith to him. Then she added. “There are two rabbits lying on the porch. I assume they’re yours. Do want me to prepare them for later?” He had forgotten all about them. He nodded to her and thanked her. She just smiled and went to get his clothes. 

Right away Judith started to play with his hair that was really long, she squawked and squealed happily, and he grinned at her. They liked each other a lot. 

Carol then came back with an arm full of clothing. She put it on the table and went to pick up Judith again from Daryl’s arms. 

“Some stains were just so bad, I wouldn’t get them out.” 

“Thanks.” He said and Carol smiled at him. He told her that unfortunately he had a load of dirty clothing upstairs and if it was alright to bring them down. She said that she would be happy to do it, as always. 

He went upstairs and got dressed. He decided that he needed something to occupy himself with, so he went down the stairs again, he brought his dirty clothes to the washer and then went back to Carol to tell her that he would go to search for Aaron, and if Carol please let Rick know that he was at Aaron’s place. She nodded and said that she was happy that he seemed to want to make an effort. It was important she said. She didn’t know that he had a different reason for doing this, and he wasn’t ready to tell her yet. 

“See’ya later.” He called when he left the house. “See’ya.” Carol replied equally. 

He felt almost like himself, in black jeans, black shirt and his vest. He kind of was looking forward to talking to Aaron. He hoped that this would be at least part of a solution to his problem. 

~°~°~

TBC 

Jessie is just the kind of woman, that when she wants something, she will do anything to get it.  
The boys get to 'talk' more in the next chapter. 

Thanks for reading, and please, let me know what you think :)))


	9. Distraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really sorry about this long wait, I originally planned to finish this before the start of the 6th season. Somehow real life came in between, and I wasn’t able to continue. 
> 
> Still I will of course finish this, it’s all in my mind, even if it now will probably be a little different because of the information from the new episodes, but I will try and stick to my original storyline, and what I had in mind for that. 
> 
> So please be kind, if this doesn’t always fit into the actual happenings of the 6th season.   
> I will try and adapt as best as I can. 
> 
> Well, at least this update contains two new chapters, 9, 10, and 11 will be up very soon, so I hope that you’re all still with me. 
> 
> Thanks for all your interest, for your kudos and your comments, thanks for reading! 
> 
> I really would be so grateful if you told me what you thought, every comment is welcome :)

His forehead still tingled and wouldn’t stop. He tried to distract himself, tried to think of anything else, and even being in a room full of some of his favorite toys such as parts of the motorbike that he was about to build did not help in any way. His thoughts always kept coming back to Rick, who had worried about him, who had told him that he was important to him, which he kind of knew, but loved to hear of course, and who had touched him in such a gentle way, that Daryl couldn’t help but dream and fantasize.   
He knew of course that Rick was as straight as an arrow, a former police officer, with two great kids. He knew that Rick had taken an interest in Jessie, and she in him, that was obvious, but he let himself dream, at least a bit, it was dangerous to have hopes and dreams, most of all in a world such as this. Still Daryl allowed himself that much. 

He told himself that he had to stop this, before it started to hurt, and he would, he promised himself, but now that the feeling still was there, the images in his mind still new, it happened only a few hours ago, he just let himself be weak. Just for once. 

His thinking and dreaming was interrupted when Aaron came into the garage. He had a glass of water in one hand and a plate in his other hand, and he smiled as always.

“Got you some water, and a sandwich, you must be hungry!” Aaron said.

Daryl stood up from where he had been kneeling in front of his future bike and pulled out the ever present cloth from his back pocket and wiped his hands on it. It was useless actually, they were stained black with grease and motor-oil. He didn’t really mind though. 

He went over to Aaron and took the glass and the plate and nodded to him. “Thanks.” He said.

“Looks great by the way. When will it be ready?” Aaron asked him.

“Don’know yet, a few days maybe.” Daryl mumbled with his mouth full. 

Aaron grinned at him and nodded. Daryl didn’t really know what to make of that, so he shook his head and went back to chewing. 

“Well, I let you get back to this, and please let us know, if you need anything else, you know where to find us.” Aaron said still with a big smile in his face. 

“Yeah, will do. Pro’lly work a few hours more today, if tha’s a’right with ya?” he asked.

Aaron nodded again and continued to smile at him. Daryl managed his typical half smile. When Aaron closed the door behind him, he couldn’t help but wonder what the man had with him, he always smiled at him really brightly and looked at him with, if he wasn’t wrong, warm eyes, and Daryl felt as if Aaron knew something he didn’t. It was strange, but he liked Aaron and Eric and he would never admit it but he admired them immensely for being open about their relationship and for even showing their love to everyone. He could only dream about that. In his world, regardless of the happenings of the last years, this was just impossible. He would always think and feel that he was doing something wrong, and just admitting to himself, that he had romantic feelings for a man, for Rick, gave him a kind of queasy feeling inside. It was as if he could still hear his father talk whenever he thought about it. However, he was kind of proud of himself that he had started to be honest with himself at least. It was a start. 

 

~°~°~

 

Meanwhile Rick and Jessie had arrived at Deanna’s place. They were all there with some exceptions of course. Most of the Alexandrians watched him carefully, suspicion in their eyes, and he wouldn’t dare and judge them for their suspicion, because he’s always felt this way with new people too. He knew he had to tread carefully with them because his group needed this, they needed a home, and he had to make them understand their way of thinking and doing things without them feeling threatened. He counted to ten and started to lay out his points and arguments. 

Three hours later, they were still debating and discussing Alexandria’s future. He could not believe the stubbornness of some of these people there, and most of all people who had never even lived outside since the turn. He reminded himself to remain calm. It was of utmost importance and he tried his best.

Rick pinched the bridge of his nose. There was a headache coming soon he could feel it, he groaned inwardly. So some people just wouldn’t understand, but at least Deanna tried to be as reasonable as possible, and her husband seemed like a nice enough guy, therefore since she was Alexandria’s current leader eventually everything should be fine. Well, at least he hoped so. 

Rick explained to all of them again the dangers of not having continuous shifts at the watch tower. He also explained that there were other groups out there that were dangerous. He told them that his group had encountered several, and that they always had suffered from losses afterwards. He was grateful for Maggie’s help with Deanna, she seemed to get along with her fairly well, and that really helped. 

He needed to talk to Maggie later on because constant dripping wears the rock away and he needed Maggie to be that dripping. 

Finally, they all agreed that they would build other towers and that the one they already had would be manned from now on, continuously. He was really relieved about that.

Still, there was the fact that his son and Enid had been able to get away without being seen, and there were so many weak points all around Alexandria’s walls, that he literally had to stop himself thinking about this because he’d probably go crazy with worry. Jessie promised to keep an eye out for Enid, and she also promised to talk to her boys so that they could do the same, even if they’d probably wouldn’t spy on each other. The kids were a pretty tight group, or so it seemed. He just hoped that Carl would be the smart one amongst them, he still needed to talk to him about this. He made a mental note to do this later on. 

They also all agreed that they needed more people that were strong and able to fight. He again clarified his position on having them all trained with guns and in hand to hand combat. He tried to make Deanna and the rest of them understand that there was a threat out there and this threat was imminent. In his mind he thought about the “w” that Carol, Daryl and he had seen carved into some walkers’ foreheads. Deanna promised him to think about this and Rick just hoped that they had enough time. He had a bad feeling in his gut, that this calm and quiet was only borrowed, and that they would have to be ready to fight soon. 

There were some other less important things they wanted to talk about, but Rick decided that Maggie and Glenn could handle this. He wanted to make sure that they would start with the watch towers right away so he took Abraham and Eugene and some of the construction workers aside so they could talk about this. They organized how they would actually do this, and soon it seemed that everybody knew what they had to do, and Rick was able to get out. It was almost six o’clock in the evening and really wanted to get going. He said his goodbye and went out. 

 

~°~°~

 

“Rick …. Rick, wait a second!” Rick heard Jessie call after him. 

He stopped and turned around. Jessie smiled at him and said. ”I have to go over some things inside but I will go home in a few minutes and start dinner for the boys. Would you like to come for dinner? Bring Carl and Judith of course.” 

He put his hands on his hips and looked at the ground. He frowned, raised his head and looked at her. He needed to talk to Carl, and Carol about today, and he wanted to talk to Daryl. Somehow today seemed not the right time, also his head was still undecided about the headache. With a small smile he said. “That’s real nice of ya, but I have ta do some stuff and Carol probably already prepared everything for us. I’ll have ta take a rain check on that, alright?” 

Jessie seemed a bit disappointed but she smiled and was very understanding, she told him to come over one of these days. And he promised that he would. He actually was looking forward to getting to know her, just not today. 

They said goodbye again and he went home. 

 

~°~°~

 

“NO it’s not! And you know it, I don’t understand why you don’t trust me, I told you before that I was only following her, and I wanted to make sure that nothing happened to her. I know what I’m doing and I know that it’s not safe out there, I’m not a little kid anymore!” Carl emphasized the last words. 

Rick tried to stay calm, he breathed deeply. 

“Look, son, I know ya’re strong! I know that, but ya have ta promise me ta stay inside these walls! I can’t protect ya otherwise. I need to know that ya both are safe, you and Judith, ya’re all I have now.”

Rick bowed his head, the headache seemed to have reached its peak. There was a constant thrumming in his temples. 

Carl seemed to try to calm down as well. Carol was walking up and down with Judith in her arms. She had a concerned frown on her face, because his daughter didn’t like when they were arguing loudly or generally so she had started to snivel. He wanted to comfort her, but knew that he wasn’t much help at the moment. After a day of talking with and enduring these people, most of them were nice really, but some of them were just idiots, he simply was not patient enough for an outburst of teenage hormones. It was obvious that Carl liked Enid very much, but he needed to make sure that his son would not walk around with rose-colored glasses. Since Carl usually was the reasonable one, and was very wise for his age he didn’t think that this would actually happen, but he still needed to make sure. 

He had not anticipated such a violent reaction from his son. He was defending the girl with enviable passion. 

“Look, dad, I will promise you that I will stay inside except in an emergency. And if you want I will take my gun with me. I just cannot promise that I won’t help her if she needs me, but I will make sure that you know somehow. Alright?” 

Rick sighed. Well, that was more or less all he could expect given the circumstances, and he trusted Carl. Therefore he sighed again. He searched for his son’s eyes and looked at him sincerely. 

“Tha’s fine son. I know I can trust ya, and I do. I just worry. Ya know.” Rick put his uninjured hand on his son’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. Carl stepped closer and drew him into his arms. They hugged tightly and Carl mumbled a ‘love you’ into Rick’s chest. Rick felt tears well up in his eyes. He was so very moved by his son’s actions. He just hadn’t expected it. They hadn’t hugged like that for a long time. He was so grateful. 

A few moments later they let go of each other and Rick smiled at his son, Carl smiled back. Rick wiped his face and looked over to Carol who was standing there looking at them, she also had teary eyes. His daughter had calmed as well and was looking at him. 

She held her little chummy arms up in the air and reached out to him. He went over to her and took her into his arms. She cooed happily and began to play with his shirt. 

Carol placed a hand onto his arm and squeezed softly. She smiled at him. 

“Now then, if you boys are quite finished I will prepare dinner. It will take only around ten minutes, I already did most of it. It’s the rabbit Daryl brought for us. There is plenty of it, so I hope you’re hungry.” She smiled at both of them and went into the kitchen. After two steps she stopped and turned to Rick again. 

“Before I forget, Daryl wants you to know that he’s at Aaron’s.” 

Rick had been wondering where he was and had wanted to ask Carol, actually, but totally forgot because of his argument with his son that had started the minute he had walked into the house. Rick frowned. Again Aaron. 

“What’s he doing there?” Rick asked. Carol just shrugged her shoulders. “You have to ask him, I don’t know.” She said. 

“Will he not eat with us?” Rick started to get irritated. “I mean he hunted the rabbits, so it’s his meal as well, ain’t it?” Rick kind of growled. 

“He’s a grown man.” Carol said and shrugged again and went into the kitchen. 

 

~°~°~

 

Dinner was delicious. They all were perfectly sated. Carl went over to Jessie’s to be with the boys and probably Enid. It was fine with Rick. Michonne went back to Maggie’s, she had some things to go over with her she said. Carol had her evening off of taking care of Judith, so she went to see what was going on around Alexandria, she was an immensely talented undercover agent. He had to smile in spite of himself.

Rick put Judith in her stroller and went for a ride with her. Judith enjoyed the evening air just as much as he did. She pointed and babbled and cooed. She seemed to tell him a lot, unfortunately he did not understand her too well, but he commented whenever she tried to show him something especially extraordinary. He was looking forward to having real conversations with her. And he was also looking forward to seeing what kind of person she would become. She was a treasure and a gift and he would protect her at all costs. 

 

~°~°~ 

 

After some minutes of walking around in the streets of Alexandria he found himself close to Aaron’s house. In coming closer he saw Daryl and Aaron on the porch talking. They were drinking what looked like a beer. He heard Daryl’s low chuckle and Aaron laughing. They seemed to have fun, and Daryl really seemed to enjoy himself with this man. He didn’t know why there was a tight knot inside of his stomach just by thinking about this. He just didn’t like Aaron, and he couldn’t even say why. 

He liked to say hello to Daryl and get him to come back with him, but he wasn’t even sure if he was supposed to draw attention to himself or if he rather just turned and went home the other way. He then decided to go. Just when he was attempting to turn Judith stroller around and walk back the other way, he heard someone say his name. 

It was Eric. 

 

~°~°~

 

TBC


	10. They know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, pretty please tell me what you think. :)

“Hey Rick!” Eric smiled at him, and looked and smiled at Judith who was kind of waving at him. 

Rick managed a half smile and grumbled a ‘hello’. Eric didn’t really notice, he only happily told him that he just came back from his nightly round, and asked if Rick had done the same. Rick nodded and explained that he went to get some air with his daughter. Eric asked him to come over to where Daryl and Aaron were to have a drink with them, and Rick heard himself saying ‘yes’ and regretted it the minute it came out of his mouth. 

They went to the house and Rick then witnessed a very awkward situation because all of a sudden Daryl went from talking and chuckling to being quiet and somehow embarrassed while Aaron and Eric kissed, and he didn’t seem to know where to look. Then their eyes met just for a split second and Rick wasn’t sure what he had seen in them, but he had never seen Daryl look that way at him or in general. It was a kind of intensely heated, but shocked, scared and panicked look, or so it would seem. It was gone as fast as it had come. 

Now Rick himself was not necessarily used to two guys kissing, but this was just a peck on the lips, to say hello, and he was open enough to not feel embarrassed about it, also he wasn’t against or for same sex relationships, he just thought that in this world especially it was just frigging lucky if two people found each other and loved each other mutually. He was as happy for Glenn and Maggie as he was for Aaron and Eric. It was love, and that was what was important. Even back in the days when he was on the force, and Shane and the rest of the guys would make fun of gays or tell jokes he’d always tried to keep out of it. He didn’t participate. It was just not like him to be cruel about something like this. And he hoped that he had conveyed this to Carl also. 

Aaron then went inside and asked them to follow him. Rick took Judith out of the stroller into his arms and looked at Daryl who immediately understood. He came down and carried the stroller up the stairs. 

They all went back on the other side of the house, where Aaron and Eric had a bigger terrace. Rick requested for some juice when Eric asked him. They all sat down. Judith still was all bubbly and not at all sleepy. It was almost eight and she soon would probably be whining, but home wasn’t very far and therefore it was fine for now. 

There were four comfy chairs around a small table. Daryl sat on his right side with Eric to his right and Aaron across from him. The two men were holding hands, and were smiling at each other from time to time. Daryl was very quiet and Rick also only added some ‘yahs’, ‘nahs’, or ‘huhs’ to the conversation. He actually did some Daryl-watching, because it more and more became clear that Daryl on the one hand could not stop looking at the two men holding hands and exchanging smiles and so forth, but on the other hand was extremely uncomfortable about this, he squirmed and fidgeted and kept worrying his lower lip. He only did that when he was really nervous. And he hadn’t seen him doing it this poignantly for a very long time. Also he constantly and deliberately ignored Rick, he didn’t look at him even once, while they were sitting there. Daryl wasn’t fond of eye contact that’s for sure but he usually looked at Rick when they were having a conversation, at least at some point, but now, nothing. Not one look. And this was all really very strange. 

Obviously Daryl liked Aaron and Eric, otherwise he wouldn’t be here with them, but he didn’t seem to like the concept of them being gay. Or at least he seemed to be uncomfortable with it.

He was reminded of Merle, Daryl’s late brother, who he had never liked but had come to respect for the support and love he had for his younger brother. He could imagine that Merle probably would have treated gay people just as badly as he had treated T-Dog or Glen and Rick suspected that Daryl’s childhood probably had not been an easy one, therefore he really could imagine that the whole concept was alien and awkward to Daryl, still he respected Daryl for trying to cope with this. 

Eric was talking about how happy he was that Rick and his group had come to Alexandria, and that they needed strong and experienced people like them. He was also worried that people like him would be holding them back, because they weren’t able to fight.  
Rick then interrupted his Daryl-watching to explain to Eric the need for training, and that he was sure that everyone was able to fight, they just had to be educated, and that this was something all of them had to understand and agree to. Eric nodded enthusiastically and assured him that he was ready to do whatever was needed. 

Meanwhile Judith had fallen asleep in his arms, and he realized that he also was getting tired, it had been a long day. He looked at Daryl and caught him staring. His eyes were warm and loving, and for a second they maintained the eye contact, then Daryl’s eyes wandered off to Judith. Rick felt the warmth of Daryl’s eyes spreading all over his body. 

Suddenly Rick noticed that it was quiet and they all were staring at him, or them. He looked at Aaron and there was a look of surprise on his face that Rick couldn’t fathom. Aaron and Eric seemed to look at them back and forth and then at each other. There was a quiet conversation going on that was only comprehensible for them, obviously. 

Rick then decided to excuse himself to bring Judith home. He told them as much and everybody seemed eager to help. It was kind of an awkward moment again. 

Rick put sleepy and now whining Judith back in her stroller and asked Daryl if he came home with him. Daryl declined, he said he had to finish something in the garage. Aaron kind of nodded, and said that it was his fault because he actually _forced_ Daryl to take a break. Daryl half smiled at him and went back inside. He turned around to Rick for a second and told him to not wait up for him, because he didn’t know when he’d be back. 

Rick nodded, said his goodbyes and then went home.

Carol was waiting in the living room. She sat there calmly reading a book. It was such a strange image that Rick had to scoff in spite of himself. He went upstairs and Carol followed him, she helped him bathe Judith and then put her to bed. The little girl was tired, and it was obviously a little late already, so she fell asleep immediately. 

They left her door slightly open, and went down again. 

Rick told Carol about the day in short and she filled him in about all the goings-on with the Alexandrians. They had this dynamic since they had arrived here, and Rick was immensely grateful for Carol’s loyalty and strength. She was one of the most important people in his group. 

For a second he thought about discussing the situation with Daryl with Carol but then changed his mind. He would talk about it with Daryl only, if at all. It was not fair to talk about it and Daryl definitely wouldn’t like it.

Rick leaned back against the headrest to close his eyes for a second. He realized that his headache was gone. He didn’t know when it had gone, but probably while he was walking around with his daughter, still he couldn’t say for sure. 

“Jessie was here, about an hour ago.” Carol said suggestively. 

“Huh?” Rick opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Carol. 

“Well, she was here and asked for you. Said that the boys and Enid were in the house playing games. I told her that you weren’t in, and she asked when you’d be back. Told her I didn’t know.” 

“So?” Rick asked again. 

“Well, I’m just saying. You seemed to like her and she obviously likes you.” Carol grinned at him. 

Rick sighed and closed his eyes again, then opened them again to look at her. “She’s nice. She invited me ta dinner, ‘n I’ll go … one of these days. What are’ya grinning about?” he asked playfully. 

“Nothing, absolutely nothing.” She smiled at him. “Go to bed Rick, you seem tired. Get some sleep, you still sleep too less. You have to sleep to stay alert. We all need you. I’ll stay up a little longer and wait for Carl and Daryl.” She stood up and held out her hand, he took it and let himself be pulled up. He then half-hugged her and went upstairs. He checked again on his baby girl. She was sleeping soundly. 

Rick took a shower and brushed his teeth and went to bed. He was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

 

~°~°~

 

“You like him, don’t you? Does he know?” 

Daryl froze, he stood beside the motorbike with his back to the door to the garage, where Aaron was obviously standing right in this moment. Daryl didn’t know what to do, for a second he just longed to turn around and _confess_ that yes he liked Rick, no he loved Rick, with all his heart, and that he didn’t know and never could find out, because then everything would break into pieces, most of all his heart. The other option he had was to attack, show him that he was offended with his suggestion. He opted for aggression that was what he knew best. 

So Daryl turned around and took a few strides until he was standing right in front of Aaron, he gripped his shirt tightly and snarled at him. “What did’ya just say?” 

And then. “What the fuck are ya talkin’ about?”

But Aaron, impressively, held his ground, he flinched a little, but did not show any fear. That was definitely not the reaction Daryl had wished for. 

Aaron then said. “I’m sorry if I invaded your privacy but it was obvious to me, and since I know what I am talking about, I thought I let you know, that if you needed to talk about, anything, I’m here. I really didn’t want to offend you in any way. I just want you to know that I’m here, we both are if you …. “ 

“Did’ya tell your _boyfriend_ what ya just told me? So when will’ya tell the rest of all the fucking people who live here?” Daryl yelled at him kind of contemptuously but also anxiously. He let go of Aaron’s shirt and turned away.

“No please, Daryl, believe me, I won’t tell anyone. I haven’t talked to anyone, not even Eric, and I won’t ever. Not until you say differently, but Eric saw it today too, just as I did. I’m sorry. I really.. please believe me, I won’t tell. I won’t betray your trust. Don’t you think I know how you might feel?” 

“Ya don’t know anything.” With those words Daryl pushed Aaron aside and went, almost ran, out of the garage and then out of the house. He slammed the door shut. 

Daryl went around the house, it was completely dark now, the moon was shining, therefore it had to be rather late. He went to the wall and leaned against the cool metal. His face was overheated, and he couldn’t breathe. “Shit shit shit …” He mumbled to himself in a low voice over and over again.

In his panicked state of mind he didn’t hear that someone was coming over to him so he was really startled when Aaron stood by his side, and put a hand on his shoulder. Normally he would have shrugged it off and told them to keep their distance if they clung to their lives, but he was tired, tired of lying and tired of pretending, and even if this whole emotional rollercoaster had only been going on for some days, it felt much longer, and he felt exhausted. 

So he didn’t shrug off Aaron’s hand but let him simply be there for him, comforting him without talking. He was there, and that was enough. And Daryl was grateful. 

Daryl didn’t know how long they had been standing there in the dark, at the wall, but finally he felt steady enough to go home, and face Rick, if he was still awake. Aaron took his hand off of Daryl’s shoulder. 

The hunter turned his head to him for the first time since they had been standing there and he nodded to him. He nodded back and went home. 

~°~°~

He didn’t know how to deal with his feelings, he wanted to scream and shout, he needed to get all this out, but where and how, it was in the middle of the night, he was yearning for a fight where he could just lose himself. Tomorrow he would find himself an outlet otherwise he’d go crazy. 

He reminded himself that it would get better, no matter what kind of emotional difficulty he had experienced in his life, it always got better with time, so it had to be the same with this _problem_ \- well he hoped so. 

He got inside of the house and listened. It was dark and quiet, so everyone was already asleep. He was grateful for that too. 

He went upstairs and got ready for bed as quietly as he could. 

In bed he lay awake for a long time, there were so many images and discussions and situations that were going around in his mind, but most of all there was this underlying fear that Rick would find out somehow, and that he would cast him out. He’d lose his family, the only real family he’d ever had.

Daryl fell into a fitful sleep, and his last thought was **‘If Aaron and Eric noticed that you’re in love with Rick, won’t everybody else also notice?’**

 

~°~°~

 

TBC

**Author's Note:**

> The title was inspired by an Elvis song.
> 
> The rating applies to later chapters but there will be some sexual content earlier as well.
> 
> Please, again, excuse any mistakes. I don't have a beta.
> 
> I'd really, really love to hear what you think. So please leave a comment if you want to share your thoughts. I'd be very happy to read it. 
> 
> Thanks again for your interest. :)


End file.
